The Reds

R0000: Pink Beryl

Pink Beryl once went through a terrible break-up with his fiancee after catching her cheating on him with his brother, his father, his uncle, and an exact genetic clone of himself. Heartbroken and aimless, he decided the best way to cope was to spend the next few months writing an album that properly described his heartbreak. He called it "Sorrow Stew" and self-released it via tape-cassettes and low-quality cds. However, something strange happened; people liked it. They loved it, actually. In fact, Pink Beryl was soon signed onto a five-year contract with Carpal-Tunnel Records, and playing sold-out shows to crowds of emotionally vulnerable teenagers who thought that his songs were poetic masterpieces. Disillusioned by his success over the lowest period of his life, Pink Beryl decided that the best way to continue his success was to have continuously worse things happen to him, so that he would never be short on songwriting material. So when he wrote an album about getting fired from his long-term job, it sold almost 50,000 copies. His next album, about his crippling heroin addiction, went platinum. And when his fourth album came out, detailing the effects of his terminal cancer, the stores couldn't even keep it in stock. Pink Beryl soon realized, however, that this line of songwriting would eventually end up culminating in his own demise if he were to continue pleasing his fans. So, he bit the bullet and did what any great musician would do: he killed himself. From a marketing standpoint, this was a brilliant move, and it ended up doubling his total album sales in a mere month after his demise.

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R000: Cherry White

Cherry White has gaping holes in his memory. One minute he'll be buying a falafel from the friendly italian vendor down the street, the next second he'll be in a middle of a desolate field at two in the morning, covered in rainwater with a bloated corpse in his hands. Cherry White never recalls anything that happens during these blackouts, and he's starting to have a formidable collection of unknown bodies, to the point where he can't fit any more under his floorboards.

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R00: Pinkish White

Pinkish White is having a bad hair day. It's only 11:36 AM, and already her hair has consumed three small children, defaced innumerable government restrooms, and started an underground tobacco-smuggling ring. No matter how much conditioner Pinkish White puts into her hair, it just gets more wild and unruly. She'd better hope it gets tamed in time for the school pictures later today!

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R01: Pinkish Vanilla

Pinkish Vanilla tends to get forgotten in the fuss and rush of all these other characters on the site. But don't let that fool you; he's just as important and interesting as the next guy! I mean, for one thing, he has a sweater! And....well, that's really about it. Sorry, Pinkish Vanilla, you're just not that cool.

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R02: Flesh

As everybody already knows, Flesh is the substance that covers your muscles and bones and protects you from things such as disease and shivs. What people don't know is that at night while you slumber, Flesh peels himself off of your body and goes out to suckle nutrients from trailer park septic tanks. This is why your skin smells bad when you wake up in the morning. Now you know!

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R05: Salmon Red

Salmon Red witnessed his whole family being caught and gutted by irate irish fishermen. Ever since that fateful day, he hasn't quite been the same. His school of fish expelled him for having a disastrous decline in his grades, and he turned to sea drugs to cope with the pain. Now he spends all of his time with those awful sea cucumber kids, smoking coral reefer and wasting his life away.

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R08: Vermillion

Vermillion speaks in a very soft, unsettling rasp that sounds uncannily like a balloon deflating against a crying chalkboard. When he speaks to someone, his voice causes them to fall to the ground, screaming in pain as blood gushes from their ears in crimson torrents. Which is unfortunate, because Vermillion quite often has very insightful and helpful things to say.

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R11: Pale Cherry Pink

Pale Cherry Pink found herself standing outside the door of the Orange Detective Agency. Well, most of herself. Her upper torso had gone missing two days ago. In fact, it had been stolen! She had been manning her station as a secretary for a small privately-owned business agency when someone cut off the top of her body and ran away with it. She tried to get a glimpse of the suspect, but couldn't because her eyes were still on her upper torso, which was now missing. Pale Cherry Pink tried to get the authorities to help her in the matter, but they had simply tried to throw her in the morgue! The indignity! What a way to treat an upper-middle-class lady! No, her only remaining option lied behind these doors, in the hands of a handsome and cunning sleuth-for-hire. Pale Cherry Pink knocked lightly on the door, and a deep, authoratative voice on the other side told her to let herself in. She walked through the door and, in a matter of divine timing, suddenly found herself overcome by an extreme case of the vapours. Much to her own horror, Pale Cherry Pink's wound started spouting blood all over the burly private eye's office, coating his belongings and carpeting with her downpour of red rain. She was so overcome with emberassment from her outburst that she fell unconscious onto his floor. When she awoke, the private eye was gone, and she was inside a large black bag, being filed alphabetically with the cadavers in the morgue. Here we go again!

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R12: Light Tea Rose

Light Tea Rose got game. He can score a three-pointer from the other side of the basketball court, and can slam-dunk like nobody's business. He's considered to be the greatest living player in the game. None of this does him much good though, seeing as how he's a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team.

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R14: Light Rouge

A cautionary tale on the effects of smoking copious amounts of crack-cocaine, Light Rouge's addiction drove him to rob a bank so he could afford to get another fix. He then invested the rest of the money he stole in the stock markets, and became a multi-billionaire thanks to savvy investments and his innate understanding of the economic climate. Then he died three weeks later from an overdose. The moral of the story is: the stock market is a viable way to earn hefty sums of money through wise investment decisions.

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R17: Lipstick Orange

In order to maintain his magnificent lips, Lipstick Orange has to daily inject 35ml of heroin directly into his mouth. Besides creating beautiful kissers, the heroin also has the added effect of causing Lipstick Orange to go into fits of delusional rage, the effects of which have damaged and destroyed the relationships between him and his family and friends. But dammit if he doesn't look good!

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R20: Blush

Blush has been an amateur gladiator for several years. His calling card is his tenacity; no matter how badly he's cut, regardless of how horribly he's burned, in spite of how many limbs are torn off by lions, he just gets back up and continues to fight. This seemingly immeasurable vitality has been the key to his continued survival, but also what's prevented him from making it to the big-leagues: nobody wants to bet on a match where the guy who can't die is playing. 

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R21: Sardonyx

Sardonyx is the weeping prophet of the corporate world. He foretells the coming merger of his company: many will be lost in this time, and the ones who aren't shall wish they had been. He fears the great budget cut is soon upon them, encompassing their lives like a giant blanket of sorrow and misery. The other people at the office don't really pay much attention to Sardonyx. He's such a drama queen.

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R22: Light Prawn

New E-mail!

FR:rin-doin_33@hotmail.com

SUBJ:light prawn 

Hay guys,

i dont no if u noticed, but recently light prawn has been trollin my new site pendeavours.com and its gettin a bit out ofhand. he keeps posting l3wd coments about teh other colors and sendin teh customers links to viruses and claerly this has to st0p. so idk i wuz hoping that u guys culd help me get back @ him a bit, liek get him banned from his WoW acc0unt or sumthin. let me no what u think, im hoping to show him teh meaning of revenge asap lol.

Kthnx,
***n *****sh,
Admin Of Pendeavours.com

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R24: Prawn

Prawn is the world's greatest salesman. He has so much charisma and charm that even the stars themselves brighten when he smiles. The only problem is that he works as a mortician, so sales are never a part of his job. He would quit, but his boss threatened to murder Prawn's dog if he left the business.

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R27: Cadmium Red

Cadmium Red is a normal housecat, possessed with the ungodly spirit of an ancient egyptian deity of demise. His owner, a renowned tomb-robber, took him along for one of his heists, and during the excavation of a rather large and unseemly crypt, a dark force emerged from a nearby glyph and took residence Cadmium Red's body. For the most part, he's the same old housecat he used to be, except for the occasional locust swarm or tirade about the end of humanity. You know how cats are.

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R29: Lipstick Red

Lipstick Red wasn't always the abomination you see before you. He was once a normal and productive member of society, just like you or me. But his life took a turn for the worse when he went to an unpracticed doctor for a sex change operation. The doctor was actually an abstract artist, bitter from his recent rejection from arts school, and he was determined to show the world the validity and genius of his work. Using Lipstick Red as his living canvas, the doctor created the world's first inhuman cosmetic monstrosity. Outraged at the loss of his humanity and gender, Lipstick Red killed the doctor, and now roams the London Underground, feeding on roaches and dead dreams.

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R30: Pale Yellowish Pink

Pale Yellowish Pink has an infectious abscess on his forehead that is beginning to impair his upper-brain function. He can be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly drop silent with a stuporous stare, beads of drool gathering at his gaping maw. He also finds he's having a hard time remembering how to conduct more complex functions, such as cooking, filing his taxes, and walking. If Pale Yellowish Pink doesn't get the abscess removed by the end of the week he'll be reduced to a blubbering pile of incompetence, incapable of cognitive thought or conscious actions. But for some reason, he keeps forgetting to go to the doctor's office....

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R32: Peach

Peach's natural territory was destroyed by the rampage of greedy lumber companies. His once mighty Oak Tree Duplex has been reduced to a mere stump, leaving him to roam the harsh plains of Nevada. He occasionally ventures into civilization, much to the disdain of animal control, who end up sedating him and releasing him back into the wild.

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R35: Coral

Coral suffers from Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder. He'll be having a conversation and suddenly min-sentence start throwing knives into people's faces, using their mangled corpses to break through windows and rob liquor stores. His doctors tried to give him medications to lessen the strain of his disorder, but whenever it came time to take them he'd get distracted and start feeding them to pidgeons so their heads would explode.

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R37: Carmine

Carmine suffered from a near-fatal heart attack on his fourty-fifth birthday, and needed an immediate heart transplant. However, the doctors made a slight error during the procedure, and instead of giving him a new heart, put an air pump inside his chest cavity. Now Carmine's body is slowly filling with helium, causing him to balloon to unsettling proportions and talk in high-pitched squeaks. Although highly comedic, this medical mix-up also has the adverse affect of causing Carmine's body to gradually pressurize, to the point of eventual explosion. Still, it's pretty funny when you think about it.

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R39: Garnet

Garnet was the project of several underskilled, overstressed game designers who wanted to create something simple and fun. Unfortunately their inexperience got the better of them, and Garnet suffers from lag issues, flighty controls, and a crippling meth addiction.

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R43: Bougainvillaea

Bougainvillaea is....wait a second, Bougainvillaea? Really? You really expect me to write a story for something called "Bougainvillaea"? This is getting ridiculous. I've been doing my best to keep things professional up until this point, keeping the integrity of the writing process with these god-forsaken abominations, but then you hand me something like Bougainvillaea and really believe that I'm going to put some creative thought into it? I can't work under these conditions anymore. As far as I'm concerned, Bougainvillaea is NOT getting a writeup. You can call in one of your secondary staff writers, I don't care.

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R46: Strong Red

Strong Red lives high in the alps of Norway, far away from all civilization. He's terribly shy, and often is more comfortable without the presence of other people. Instead, he keeps himself company with his collection of rare finches. He has over five-hundred of the little angels at his beck and call at all times, and uses them to bring him kindling or take down wildlife for his own eating pleasure. In fact, his affinity with these adorable avians has earned him an apt reputation as Norway's "birdman of the alps".

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R59: Cardinal

Cardinal has the uncanny ability to communicate with the dead. He'll be in the middle of supper with his family when suddenly the long-forgotten spirit of Sylvester Graham will come to him, begging him to spare him from the eternal limbo which he has been caught in. In his dreams he sees the rotting corpse of Pierre Curie, screaming of how radiation exposure left him unable to leave the confines of his human corpse. Whenever he goes to shower in the morning, the disimbodied soul of Helen Free is there, pleading for a release into nothingness. Cardinal is also cursed with the gift of immortality, so he must deal with these apparitions for all of eternity.

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R81: Rose Pink

Rose Pink is the world's foremost medical expert, able of performing surgeries that any other doctor would consider madness to even attempt. Until recently he'd been long out of work, driven away from the medical community by their jealousy and nay-saying. But a few weeks ago, a young lad...what was his name again? Mallow Preach? Anyways, his name's not important: he came to Rose Pink, a cart of severed torsos in-tow, and asked if it was possible to re-attatch them to their original state. He, of course, refused at first: the very idea of sewing corpses back together and making them live again was madness! Lunacy, even! But that might be exactly what he needed, to get the medical community to accept him again: if he could pull this off, he would be a legend in his field, unmatched by anyone. So Rose Pink agreed, and started with a daft fellow by the name of....Lily Somethingorother, his name's not important. What's important is the rousing success that the operation was, reanimating him and bringing him back to his stupefied self. He fixed the rest of the bodies up lickety-split, and was back into his medical community once more, as infamous as ever. Rose Pink now operates out of his own practice in London, taking on only the most extreme and unnecessary medical cases he can find.

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R83: Rose Mist

Rose Mist is the reanimated corpse of a common fruit bat. He feasts on the flesh of innocent fruit, and reanimates them into terrible non-walking, unmoving dead fruit. But they're still reanimated, you can bet your bottom dollar on that. If they had the means or capacity to feast on your brains, by god they would feast on your brains.

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R85: Rose Red

Rose Red is the most adorable housepest you will ever have. He may eat all of your food, he may soil your mattresses, and he may even infect your dog with lime disease, but when you look into his big glassy eyes and winsome little smile you can't help but forgive him. Such is Rose Red's evolutionary boon: he's so cute that he can do whatever he wants to your belongings, and you'll still thank him for it.

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R89: Dark Red

As an evolutionary adaptation to compensate for his ever-increasing workload, Dark Red spontaneously grew a tentacle out of his back. Although initially a seemingly useful advantage in the corporate world, this tentacle turned out to be more of a curse than a blessing; while it can be used to increase his typing speed, it leaves a weird mucous on his keys that is really hard to clean off. When filing documents into cabinets it sometimes uncontrollably shoots bursts of ink, rendering them illegible and making Dark Red have to type them out all over again. Really, he's starting to think he got the raw end of the genetic deal here.