The Yellows

Y0000: Yellow Fluorite

Yellow Fluorite was assembled from magical relics by a Russian Czar in an attempt to build himself a son, to replace the one he lost in battle years before. However, after spending some time with him, the Czar realized that he and his new son had little in common: Yellow Fluorite wouldn't torture any prisoners with his old man, and the Czar really didn't understand his new son's love of the theatre. Enraged by the monster he had created, the Czar cast Yellow Fluorite out of his kingdom, and the bastard son went on to pursue his dreams and star in a broadway musical.

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Y000: Pale Lemon

Pale Lemon, a reptilian creature currently residing in southern Romania, has a habit of stealing pies from windowsills. He uses them to line his den, which gives him warmth, nourishment, and smells of fragrant boysenberry and rhubarb. Romanian housewives have a fit when they catch Pale Lemon on their property, and he often receives the beating-end of a broomstick when they get within reach. But still, he's become somewhat of a mascot for the community, and despite being an annoying thief is somewhat beloved by all.

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Y00: Barium Yellow

Barium Yellow is currently undergoing vigorous and extensive plastic surgery to make himself look exactly like Steve Urkel. He spent the majority of his childhood glued to his television, watching Family Matters for hours and hours, utterly enthralled by the hilarious antics of Urkel and his neighbors. While his own family would fight around him, his father screaming at the rest of the family in his drunken rages, Barium Yellow would watch the television and imagine himself as Urkel, pretending that the Winslows were his loving surrogate family. This coping mechanism followed him into adulthood, where he eventually decided that the only way he could be happy with his life is if he transformed himself into his idol. The procedure, when all is said and done, will cost him upwards of two-hundred thousand dollars, and is being called "disturbing" by the scientific community.

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Y02: Canary Yellow

Canary Yellow is a connoisseur of "fringe cinema". French ultraviolence, silent dutch slashers, satanic turkish comedies, or scandinavian dog dramas, it matters not; he loves all films that are too violent or obtuse to reach major distribution, and can appreciate their merits on a level most people can not. In fact, his tastes are so extreme that they're "too fringe for the fringe", and he's been expelled from the Pennsylvania Fringe Cinema Club for repeatedly trying to organize a group viewing of "Sjaanglegir Ofbeldi Kvikmyn 3: Return of the Ofbeldi".

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Y04: Acacia

Acacia has been right-handed his whole life, but his right hand was not content with mere dominance over the left. No, its ambitions rose much higher than that: it wanted full control over all aspects of Acacia, to challenge him for ownership of his whole body. For years it laid dormant, content to let him become complacent and dependent on his right-handedness, lying in wait for the time to strike. Then , seemingly tired of hiding in wait, the hand struck out against Acacia while he was driving down a stretch of highway, swerving his car into a ditch. Acacia managed to make it out unharmed, but the hand had made its intentions known and was not about to give up on its task. It has become violent and agitated, and Acacia is now desperately struggling for to control his hand before it controls him.

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Y06: Yellow

A microscopic organism that feeds on brain cells and gains control of its living human hosts, Yellow is currently residing inside the cranium of a small, 10 year old boy named Willy. Willy will later grow up to become the president of the free world, and Yellow will use this power to wreak bloody vengeance on this planet of filthy humanoids. The streets will run red with our pitiful blood, and the day of man shall come to a quick and painful close. But that's a bit further down the line; right now, Willy and Yellow have an upcoming geometry test to worry about. Willy's geometry teacher is such a harpy.

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Y08: Acid Yellow

In a small colonial village in northern Romania, fretful mothers warn their children not to cross the Goat's-Beard Bridge after nightfall. They say that Acid Yellow lurks underneath those moss-coated cobblestones, waiting for children to cross. As they pass by, he grabs them and pulls them down into the stream, swallowing them whole like a tender buttered biscuit. At least once a year in this village a child goes missing, and the village mourns as Acid Yellow has his feast.

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Y11: Pale Yellow

Pale Yellow can breathe fire. He can fly. He can slay entire nighthoods, defeat the greatest of sorcerers, and reign triumphant over the burning rubble of once-glorious kingdoms. But the one thing Pale Yellow cannot do is the one thing he wants to do most: dance. To spin gracefully into a full-body pirouette, to lunge through the air in a leotard, to win the hearts of the arts themselves, to LIVE, dammit! He would give up his entire collection of warrior skulls if he could just spend one day as a dancer.

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Y13: Lemon Yellow

Lemon Yellow has a gift for hiding in trees and dropping from the branches to scare people as they pass by. Well, okay, that may not necessarily be a gift, but it's all he's got. Cut him some slack, he flunked out of grammar school for god's sake. Even Bumblehead Billy managed to pass grammar school, but apparently the dwindling mental capabilities of a literal drooling idiot are greater than those of Lemon Yellow's frail mind. So the next time he falls from a tree branch to startle you, treat him with some compassion; he needs whatever he can get.

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Y15: Cadmium Yellow

After a particularly ludicrous night of drunken revelry with his chums, Cadmium Yellow awoke to discover that his body was missing, and that his head had been skewered onto a pike which was attached to a small wagon. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember the events of the night well enough to figure out how he had gotten himself in this predicament. Still, he's had crazier nights, like the one time he woke up in a rowboat filled with bodies that was laid out in the middle of a stretch of highway in Arkansas. Man, what a party that was.

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Y17: Golden Yellow

After spending years as a much-abused puppet in the children's entertainment program, "Marionette Massacre", Golden Yellow developed a severe disdain for all young people. The producers would light him on fire, throw knives at him, and force him to eat raw meat, all for the sick entertainment of a bunch of little bastards. The trauma he endured was irreversible, and a decade of therapy has only barely begun to scratch the surface of understanding the depth of his depression. Bitter towards the monsters that caused him so much pain, he now spends his free time wandering through public parks, popping kid's balloons and kicking sand in their faces.

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Y18: Lightning Yellow

Lightning Yellow is fascinated by all assortments of nicknacks and doodads. He spent the summers of his youth immersed in the world of chinese finger-traps and pogs, and has recently become enamoured with a brilliant invention called the "yo-yo". Truly, mankind has outdone itself on this one. 

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Y19: Napoli Yellow

Napoli Yellow is a notorious cyber-terrorist, best known for his "{RiNsEbAtH vIrUs/}" which embeds itself into social-networking websites and, when executed, causes the user's computer to gain sentience and turn to armed robbery. He is currently working on a virus so potent, so terrible that when it is executed it will be the end of civilization as we know it. So far, it's working name is {ThE mInT tEa ViRuS//}.

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Y21: Buttercup Yellow

Buttercup Yellow spends his days moitionless along the vast Sahara plains. He sits along the sand, always waiting for the bi-monthly rainfall to provide him with the nutrients required for his survival. People tend to view him as boring, or a wet blanket, but Buttercup Yellow is far from that! He's an excellent source of shade, and  makes a conveniently tasteful coatrack! He's also a great listener, and is always easy to find when you need a shoulder to cry on. 

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Y23: Yellowish Beige

Back in the 1700s, Yellowish Beige was the organ player for a prestigious and well-funded church. His merry tunes were they joy of the congregation, and many non-christians or excommunicated individuals would gather outside the church doors to hear his skillful playing. However, one day while performing a riveting round of a now-forgotten hymn, his fingers slipped across the organ and he played a horrific, ugly sound. The audience fell silent, too horrified to act, paralyzed by what they had just heard. Yellowish Beige was seized by the clergy, accused of performing "Diabolus In Musica", a forbidden combination of notes that was thought to summon evil. He was thrown from the church and banned from ever playing the organ again, left to wander with the peasantry in the mud until the end of his days.

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 Y26: Mustard

Mustard came back from the Crimean War as a shell of the man he once was. He saw things that he can never forget, things that will forever be burned into his mind, tormenting him every waking moment of his life. His guilt and sorrow have made him unable to sleep, unable to eat, unable to live like a normal human being. The cold finger of death is permanently perched upon his shoulder, burrowing into his flesh and draining him of all life. He is currently the regional sub-manager of the Ohio Wal-Mart.

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Y28: Lionet Gold

Lionet Gold is the most statistically useless creature of all time. He contributes nothing to society, and has poor mental and physical speed. He's not even strong or burly enough to make up for his bumbling tomfoolery; anything larger than a butterfly can tip him with the slightest touch. He's an easy target for predators, and yet they ignore him due to his foul odour and poor meat-to-bone ratio. Some people wonder why Lionet Gold was even put on this earth, because whatever function he has is completely indecipherable to our mortal eyes.

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Y32: Cashmere

Cashmere is the umpire for the New York Yankees. He has no training and they don't pay him, but he shows up in uniform for every game, and everybody's kind of afraid to tell him to leave, so they just roll with it.

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Y35: Maize

Maize is part of a covert NASA operation that plans to mine the moon of all useable materials and sell them off to international traders. He's spent the last three months in a base camp on the moon's surface, supervising the drilling and explosives teams to measure their efficiency. Recently, however, things have been getting a little strange: mining equipment is malfunctioning for no apparent reason, supplies have started mysteriously disappearing, and food has been spoiling at an unnatural rate. The normally docile and affable crew have started to quarrel, sometimes even going as far as breaking out into fistfights. And at night, if you listen hard into the cold vacuum of the moon, one can hear the mysterious whispers of the wind, ominous in their implications. Maize attributes this to poor work ethic, and demands that everybody get back to work immediately.

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Y38: Honey

Winner of the Ford™ "Win a Ford™ Sweepstakes", Honey was rewarded with a brand new Ford™ Fiesta™. After spending merely a day driving it, Honey now realizes that no car has the superior handling, incredible mileage, and exquisite interior of a Ford™ vehicle. He now encourages all his friends to purchase Ford™ vehicles and has a newfound lifelong devotion to Ford™ vehicles. (This message was paid in part by the Ford™ Advertising Company™).

The Yellow-Reds

YR0000: Pale Chiffon

Pale Chiffon was born from a cloudling as an angel of whimsical fancy. His task in life was to bring joy to people's hearts, and to make them feel as if life was something worth living again. However, he got distracted somewhere along the way and ended up deciding to just terrorize the elderly with his fanciful antics. He's the bane of all residents of the Oakland Seniors Home, and is often referred to in hushed tones as "The Barking Terror".

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YR000: Silk

Silk walked briskly down the dark streets of New York, parcel in hand. Alarmed by a noise from a nearby alleyway, he picked up his pace; the last thing he wanted right now was to confront anybody. Not with what he was carrying. And if the police happened to get involved, he could just kiss the rest of his life goodbye. They didn't tolerate the kind of thing that Silk was involved with. Cautiously making sure that nobody was watching, he cracked the lid open and peeked into the box. Yes, it was still there. The beautiful upper-torso he'd bought from that shady merchant downtown. It would go wonderfully with his collection. He had dozens more in his house, dressed in all manner of fanciful attire, strung up in a variety of delightful poses. Silk often fantasized about putting on a broadway musical with his collection, a play to thrill and entertain people of all ages. But he knew the world wasn't ready for that yet. There was still the negative stigma attached to severed limbs. Nobody could see the beauty in it the way he did. Another noise came from around the corner, and Silk decided that the time for gawking was over, and quickened his pace yet again.

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YR00: Powder Pink

When prepared with the proper sauce and seasonings, Powder Pink makes a delicious delicacy. However, improper preperation of this delicate dish can result in the release of Powder Pink's poison glands, which when consumed by humans causes severe internal hemorrhaging of all major organs, blindness, hair-loss, digit deterioration, bone collapsation, and skull explosion. On an unrelated note, McDonald's is premiering their new Powder Pink burger next week. Don't forget to super-size it!

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YR01: Peach Puff

Peach Puff is host of the beloved mexican television program, "!Seniorita Dias Du Taco!". In this show, contestants are asked to compete in such wild and wacky challenges as tongue-kissing a poisonous scorpion, eating a three-month old taco, and/or balancing one-hundred sombreros on their head simultaneously for over two minutes. The prize? A free pass through the United States border, making this the most popular and well-watched gameshow in Mexico. Sometimes, Peach Puff feels remorse for the poor people competing in his show, humiliating themselves in front of millions of viewers just for the chance at a better life in the land of opportunity. But then the producers show up with his weekly three-thousand dollar cheque, and the remorse flies right out the window.

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YR02: Light Orange

Light Orange is the only organism on the planet who became so thin that he actually has a negative mass. He weighs -2.38 pounds and has a gravitational pull strong enough to draw metal to him from across the room. This has naturally made his job at the pewter factory far more difficult than it should be, and he often spends the majority of his work breaks prying candleholders from his body.

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YR04: Chrome Orange

Chrome Orange was assembled in a basement from spare parts valued at approximately $12.63. He is fully qualified in customer service and works as a doorstop at a local tannery.

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YR07: Cadmium Orange

Cadmium Orange is personally responsible for the spreading and subsequent outbreak of malaria in North America. He was hired by the Board of Pestilence, by a particularly slimy and greedy pair of houseflies, and promised that he would be greatly reimbursed for his troubles. So off went Cadmium Orange, to spread pestilence among the masses. It was nothing he hadn't done before: he'd been giving flus to kids for years, and even broke an old lady out in an allergic reaction from time to time, but nothing serious. Nothing like what happened this time. Cadmium Orange didn't know the true scope of his work: thousands dead, thousands more dying by the day, people rotting in the streets, families torn apart. He sleeps with this guilt every night of his life, and when he closes his compound eyes he sees the piles of bodies of people who died from his doing.

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YR09: Chinese Orange

Chinese Orange's day started like any other. It was a normal day at the Orange Detective Agency. He was sitting at his desk, smoking a cigarette, wearing his  cap tilted over his right eye for that extra hard-boiled effect. Then a dame came knocking at his door. He could tell when it was a dame that was knocking. They had a certain lightness to their hand; if it were a big lug he'd just pound the door down, but not a dame. A dame just knocks lightly, two taps barely distinguishable to the ear. Chinese Orange had heard this particular knock many times before. He told her to let herself in, and in walked a tall pair of legs with a dark satin miniskirt attatched to it. Literally. That's all that walked in. The top of the skirt was shooting blood all over Chinese Orange's prized revolver collection, and the whole pile of lower torso collapsed onto the floor, pooling in it's own red juices. Chinese Orange got out from behind his desk to inspect the body. A clean cut. Yes, the top half of the torso had definitely been severed...but the question is by who? And where was the top half now? Chinese Orange pulled out a flask of whiskey from his back pocket and imbibed heavily from it. It was going to be a long day.

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YR12: Loquat

Loquat recently himself a new pair of glasses, and is not happy with the vision and clarity that they have brought him; all the people who he once thought beautiful are now ugly, and all the paintings he once thought stately and noble are now sloppy and slipshod. The majesty of nature has been revealed as a cesspool of filth and grunge. Truly, Loquat's rose-colored glasses of poor vision are now gone, replaced with real, prescription lenses that let him see the world for the terrible place it truly is. But at least he can legally drive now.

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YR14: Caramel

Extensive studies on Caramel's body have revealed that his blood has highly hallucinogenic and addictive qualities. He is currently being held in a labratory in Vancouver, where scientists are draining him of fluid on an hourly basis and using it as a gloss on children's candy, helping to create a young new generation of drug-hungry crack addicts.

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YR15: Pumpkin Yellow

Pumpkin Yellow fancies himself an expert prankster. He once dumped a bucket of water on the Duke of Edinburgh during an international press conference. Rumour tells that he slipped a whoopee-cushion on the chair of Charles, Prince of Wales. In certain circles it is even said that he had the audacity to give a wedgie to the honourable Queen Elizabeth II. His assaults on the royalty of the United Nations has attracted the attention of the secret service, who have devoted all of their time and effort to apprehending this vile Pumpkin Yellow and seeing that his tomfoolery never threatens the monarchy again.

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YR16: Apricot

Be on the lookout for a small, wiry-looking individual roaming the streets tonight. It could very well be Apricot, who just five hours ago managed to escape from the Brighton Institute For The Mentally Unhinged. So lock all your doors, bar all your windows, and turn off all the lights, because otherwise you might not wake up tonight. Apricot is considered highly unusual and should be avoided at all costs.

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YR18: Sanguine

Due to a voodoo curse placed on him by his mother at a young age, the binds of death have no holds on Sanguine. Although he died on October 22, 1935, Sanguine has still spent the last 75 years working as an accountant at a successful stock firm, although his flesh is beginning to decay at an alarming rate. This naturally has caused somewhat of a decrease in company morale, especially since last week his left leg was found sitting in the coffee pot in the employee lounge. The C.E.O. fears he might have to let Sanguine go soon.

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YR20: Yellowish Shade

Nobody knows exactly how Yellowish Shade got a military tank adjoined to his lower-torso, but he's the one with the firepower, so he's the one asking the questions around here. In fact, it seems that the power may have gone to his head; he's terrorizing his entire neighbourhood with firebombs and stray mortar shells, and he's even tearing up old Miss Cumber's lawn with his treads because she confiscated his baseball from him when he was five years old. Yellowish Shade can keep a mean grudge.

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YR21: Cream

Cream once clobbered a herd of wild boars with his bare fists, only to find out it was a drug-induced hallucination and that he'd actually snapped the necks of the entire United States congress. He's currently serving 2 years in prison, with only a somewhat decent chance of getting parole.

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YR23: Yellow Ochre

Up until recently, Yellow Ochre's favorite pastime was building model trains. But ever since one of his model trains gained sentience and had an affair with his wife, he's been unable to trust them again, and Yellow Ochre has abandoned his hobby, and his spouse, in disgust.

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YR24: Pale Sepia

Pale Sepia is a notorious serial killer who disguises himself as a household plant in order to gain access to his victims' homes. He then spends days remaining completely motionless, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. The police force have been attempting to track this deranged murderer down, but have yet to come up with any clues, although the chief of police's office does have a strange new plant in the corner....

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YR31: Light Reddish Yellow

Light Reddish Yellow is the little brother of the legendary Kraken, terror of the high-seas. His brother has been responsible for countless shipwrecks, innumerable deaths, and untold destruction. Light Reddish Yellow tries to get Kraken to calm down a bit, and maybe vent his anger in a more constructive manner such as painting his emotions, but he just doesn't listen. Sometimes Light Reddish Yellow hates being the little brother.

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YR61: Yellowish Skin Pink

Grab your torch and pitchfork, we're finally gonna drive that freak Yellowish Skin Pink outta town! We've had enough of his strange foreign ways and "moral standards"! This town was founded by british pirates three hundred years ago, and we've stayed true to our roots ever since. But then Yellowish Skin Pink had to come into town and be all like "you can't gut your neighbours", and "stealing is wrong", and even "shooting your children as a form of discipline is unacceptable". Well, we'll see how his moral standards hold up when we make him walk the plank! His kind is no longer welcome here!

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YR65: Atoll

Atoll is principal of an all-girl catholic school in the greater Oakland area, "Saint Rendilda's Institution For Conservative Females". Her particular brand of no-nonsense religious ardor combined with her finesse with beating sticks make her a feared and respected authoritarian. The timid schoolgirls, in their free time away from her tyrannical clutches, often refer to her in hushed tones as "Old Saint Ironheart".

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YR68: Orange

Orange is a firm believer in t.v. evangelism. Every morning he turns his t.v. to "Reverend Maltwin's Hour Of Non-Specific Religious Power" and basks in the warming glow of vague, indecisive religious context that may or may not apply to everyday life. To Orange it's like chicken soup for the entity that may or may not be referred to as a soul depending on your beliefs and upbringing.

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YR82: Mellow Peach

The things that Mellow Peach has seen in the past week could turn a grown man to jelly. He's had to do things so spine-tinglingly morbid that a man of lesser psychological strength would have been permanently scarred. But it wasn't always this way: a week ago, Mellow Peach was just another rookie gumshoe, working a dead-end job and the NYPD with nothing to do but twiddle his thumbs all day. All that changed when the department put him in charge of the infamous "Torso Thief" case. No detective had ever been able to find the perpetrator; lord knows that drunken lunatic Chinese Orange never found the answers at the bottom of his whiskey flask, and the department clearly didn't have much hope of solving it if they were putting someone so wet behind the ears in charge. Nevertheless, Mellow Peach remained diligent in his duty, eager to prove himself to the eggheads down in criminology. He worked the streets for three days, spending hours interviewing witnesses, searching for clues, trying to find ANYTHING that would give him a lead...but there was nothing. Everyone he asked didn't know squat, all his clues lead to dead-ends, and he was running out of cigarettes quicker than a french executive. For a while, it seemed hopeless. However, on the last night of working his beat, he saw a fat, peculiar little man carrying a heavy box down the dark streets; he seemed spooked by something, and kept looking over his shoulder to see if he was being followed. So Mellow Peach figured he'd tail this shady figure, see where it led him. He managed to follow the pudgy suspect to his apartment complex, and snuck in undetected. After a bit of searching, he managed to find the man's room, and using his lock-picking skills that he learned from the streets of Brooklyn, broke his way in. What he saw next was more horrific than he could ever have imagined: human torsos, everywhere he could see, strung up against the walls dressed in flimsy lingerie and lit only by the fluttering glow of a few scattered, dim candles. And suddenly, there he was, in the middle of the room: the perp, dressed in some sort of masquerade getup, holding a still-writhing torso in his arms. Mellow Peach pulled his pistol out of its holster and pointed it squarely at this freak, warning him not to make a single move. The deranged psychopath then started going on about how he had a greater vision than the rest of humanity, that he was on the verge of something fantastic that people just weren't ready to comprehend. He spoke of a great theatrical play, one where the entire cast were torsos, so everyone could appreciate their beauty and majesty forever. Mellow Peach tried to talk some sense into the perp, but he wouldn't listen, and lunged violently towards him. Mellow Peach had no choice but to shoot in self-defense, and the obese operatic dropped to the ground in a pool of his own blood. The case, it seemed was over. The following few days would yield a few pleasant surprises: the gal who's torso the fat fool had most recently kidnapped managed to get herself back-together again, and came in to personally thank Mellow Peach for a job well done. The perpetrator, Mr. Fat Bastard himself, managed to survive the incident, and is being held in maximum security prison until he can get a court hearing. What he had to say, however, was not what the department was hoping for: he wasn't supplying himself with his own torsos....in fact, he'd been getting them off of the black market, from a shady vendor whose true identity has never been discovered. This scandal goes much deeper than anyone on the force could have dreamed of; luckily, with his promotion to Chief Detective of the NYPD, Mellow Peach is confident that he can crack the case.