G0000: Crystal Opal
Crystal Opal lives a simple life. He wakes up every morning and spends his entire day digging for earthworms to eat. He lives under a rock, so he's got his living arrangements and food-source automatically worked out for him. Hell, the only thing he ever has to worry about is some kid coming along and trying to catch him as a pet, but he's avoided that successfully in the past. Yep, Crystal Opal has a pretty sweet life. But I'm not jealous.
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G000: Pale Green
Pale Green is the wisest man in the world. People from around the globe come to him daily, harassing him with asinine questions. "What will tomorrow's winning lottery numbers be?", "How do I get chocolate-stains out of my white clothes?", "When will my son be ready for toilet-training?". This ceaseless barrage of stupidity and ignorance is what he must deal with every day, and at times it becomes unbearable. Every once in a while, though, there is a noble or soul-searching question that causes him to think, and it is these questions that Pale Green answers. So, if you're going to go see him, please don't ask him if his "refrigerator is running". He's heard that one a million times.
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G00: Jade Green
Jade Green, or "Jaded Green", as his associates commonly call him, has been embittered by the world around him. Corporate life has turned him into a hollow shell of the soulful man that he once was. His dreams have been crushed and defeated, and as a result he has no emotions towards anyone or anything. He used to be an artist! He used to paint murals, search his soul and express his emotions freely through his work! But now....he'd rather be dead. That's the nine-to-five life for you.
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G02: Spectrum Green
Thirsty for a salty, bubbly beverage, Spectrum Green went into his local beverage dispensery and purchased himself a tall glass of tonic water. After taking a big, hearty gulp of this liquid delight, a foreign object became lodged inside his throat, and he was carted off to the hospital in order to remove the obstruction. X-rays revealed that he had swallowed a flashlight, which someone was able to put in his tonic water without him noticing. Further medical tests later revealed that Spectrum Green was legally blind.
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G03: Meadow Green
When Meadow Green signed-up to be a volunteer lifeguard at The Berkley Summer Camp For Hydrophobic Children, he assumed that he was just going to be helping kids get over their fears of water. He didn't realize that the camp was actually designed to house rabid children before they were euthanized, and the ensuing three weeks of lifeguarding were filled with chaos and traumatizing events. Meadow Green will never forget having to let a thirteen year-old boy drown due to his fear of being contaminated with rabies....at least, not without extensive help from a psychiatric professional.
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G05: Emerald Green
Emerald Green has always hated his name. He feels that it's the reason that he's been unsuccessful in life: all of his failed relationships, his job dismissals, his near-fatal heart attacks are all caused by his terrible, cursed name. He's spent his entire life trying to save up enough money to get his name legally changed to "Utopian Granvil". His current balance towards this cause is $11.43, and 3% of every purchase of Emerald Green Copics goes towards his noble cause.
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G07: Nile Green
Following a bitter divorce with his wife, Vomit Brown, Nile Green took up a day-job at a seedy underground bar as a bouncer. Being 5'4", 102 pounds, and scrawny as a rake, he basically took this job so he could get beaten to a pulp on a regular basis. Nile Green felt that if he could convince the court that he was a victim of spousal abuse (as evidenced by his numerous physical scars), he could come out victorious and not have to pay child-support for his three children. It worked: Vomit brown has to take care of the kids by herself while living in low-income housing, while Nile Green is living the high-life as a rich, attractively-bruised bachelor.
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G09: Veronese Green
Once a jester for the great King William III, Veronese Green now roams the plains of England, searching for a new master to entertain. Sadly, his jokes are all terribly outdated. He'll wistfully regale you with overdone guillotine zingers, wax nostalgic on the one-monarch system, and make bone-curdling puns about corsets. To be quite frank, he needs to learn some new material if he wants to relate to today's audience; until then, he will be scorned out of every town he encounters, doomed to forever be alone with his awful comedic stylings.
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G12: Sea Green
Wanting to live up to the expectations that came with his name, Sea Green built himself a water-worthy vessel, assembled a loyal crew, and charted off for co-ordinates unknown in the deep pacific. Three days later he came back ashore, his loyal crew missing and half of his left arm gone. He refuses to talk about what happened, but his recent insistence on wearing women's clothing might have some correlation to the events at sea.
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G14: Apple Green
Apple Green is president of the european division of Microsoft Incorporated. This naturally brings up several ironic implications, but Apple Green would rather not talk about it.
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G16: Malachite
After recieving a phone call from his employers telling him that he was being dismissed from his job at the lamp factory, Malachite went on a homicidal rampage and killed thirteen carrier pigeons in northern Massachusetts. He was placed under arrest, until it was discovered that there was no actual law against killing carrier pigeons in Massachusetts, and he was released back into society.
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G17: Forest Green
Forest Green works for the biggest lumber company in North America. After destroying all wilderness in the western hemisphere, he was given a $3.6 million dollar raise and promoted to "Nature Pillager". His trophy of a golden stump sits proudly on his mantle.
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G19: Bright Parrot Green
Bright Parrot Green is juvenile and childish. He mimicks everything you say constantly, only stopping to laugh in a piercing, shrill manner. His incessant jabbering and constant repetition of trite, meaningless phrases has driven greater men than I to homicidal madness. He also has his own late-night talk show that's taking the t.v. rating systems by storm.
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G20: Wax White
Wax White was the first person to ever decode the secret language of the common pidgeon. After years and years of study, living with the pidgeons in their natural habitat and isolating himself from humanity, he realized that their entire dialect comprised of the phrases "mating season is a healthy breakfast" and "writing a poem for a rotund peach-tree". After making his discoveries public Wax White was immediately banned from attending all scientific conventions and stripped of what little credibility he had left.
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G21: Lime Green
Lime Green's career as a superstar rap icon began in a lowly, unassuming trailer park in Kansas. Growing up listening to nothing but Will Smith tape casettes, Lime Green quickly developed a love of language and phat beats, and decided to start his own rap career. His big break came when he was performing in a small downtown pub and was shot seventeen times by rival gangsters, instantly launching him into rap stardom. His hit singles include "Bullet Breakfast", "Shot Hot", and always the crowd-pleaser, "I Was Shot Seventeen Times".
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G24: Willow
Willow suffers from a rare, unnamed medical condition that causes him to grow cucumbers out of his fingernails. Even the most extensive of medical tests cannot determine what exactly causes this perplexing biological mishap, and the nutrients required to sustain the cucumbers are being drained from his body, leaving him in a constant state of anemia. But hey, it's not all bad: Willow's genetic deformity managed to land him a job at his local health-food store!
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G28: Ocean Green
Ocean Green is always running, running from a deranged lunatic who claims that he killed his father. He has been hunted for the last seven years, unable to live a peaceful life because of this madman's quest for sick revenge. Letter-bombs, hired assassins, molotov cocktails in the night; nothing is too dangerous for his assailant to attempt in his misguided grudge. Ocean Green has no idea if this deluded gentleman can be placated and really wishes that he would just leave him alone.
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G29: Pine Tree Green
Pine Tree Green is tired of people assuming that he is a pine tree just because he's called Pine Tree Green. He's developed a highly successful career as a defense attorney in the hopes of combatting these assumptions, and yet they still plague him day in and day out. People ask him for air-fresheners, call him "prickly" and "pinecone", and I'm not even going to tell you the horrors he has to endure around christmastime. What's a man got to do to get some respect in this town?
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G40: Dim Green
Dim Green once had a dream where he became President of the United States of America. He used his newfound political power to have his people build a giant shrine in his honor, and looted the country's resources in order to buy nuclear weapons, which he used to destroy all other nations in the world. Much to his distress, Dim Green eventually found out that he was not, in fact, dreaming.
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G82: Spring Dim Gren
When his younger brother Dim Green became President of the United States and destroyed the earth with his nuclear holocaust, Spring Dim Green, was mistakenly blamed for his younger sibling's actions. As a result, he was thrown into slavery in an unstable, explosive mine-shaft while his brother was free to roam about the apocalyptic nightmare which he had created. Spring Dim Green isn't surprised; this kind of thing has been happening since they were little kids. He remembers when Dim Green ate all the cookies in the cookie jar and then he got Spring Dim Green blamed for it and he had to sit in time out for half an hour. Some things never change.
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G85: Verdigris
Verdigris speaks a language which nobody has yet been able to decipher. Studies have shown that it is actually a bizarre melting pot of every language on earth, combined into one heaping mess of vowels and consonant verbs. To make matters worse, he never stops talking, not even to breathe. To spend any length of time with Verdigris is to stare directly into the face of insanity.
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G94: Grayish Olive
Grayish Olive is a reverse-social worker: he finds children with stable, happy home lives and takes them under the government's custody. He then gives them away to slumlords and crimehounds, who raise them to grow up as hardened criminals and/or crack dealers. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.
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G99: Olive
Olive hates carpeting more than anything in the world. The feeling of soft wool under his feet disgusts him. If he goes to a new friend's house and they have carpeting on their floors, he'll immediately break off the friendship with them and letter-bomb them for years to come. His first three marriages ended over domestic disputes about shag rugs versus hardwood floors. Olive lives a lonely, bitter life.
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