C00: Cool Grey No. 00
Cool Grey No. 00 is a true heartbreaker. He'll woo the ladies with his fancy words and his sleek appearance, whispering sweet nothings into their ears until they come home with him. But just when they're preparing for a romantic encounter, Cool Grey No. 00 tears their still-beating hearts out of their chest, leaving them as a shallow, bleeding husk of the person that they once were....figuratively, of course. What, did you think he was some sort of sick murderer or something? No! He just tells them that he's not ready for that kind of commitment and makes them take a cab home. Cool Grey No. 00 is a true heartbreaker.
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C0: Cool Grey No. 0
Cool Grey No. 0 is the leader of a militia movement in southern Ohio, rallying his people to rise up against the petty bourgeoisie and demanding socio-economic reform! Should the movement succeed, Cool Grey No. 0 plans to use his newfound power and support of the people to boost himself to supreme dictator of Ohio, and will loot the state of all its resources for his own personal benefit.
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C1: Cool Grey No. 1
Due to a bizarre genetic mishap that doctors have never been quite able to explain, Cool Grey No. 1 was born with a skunk's tail for hair. Unable to cope with the stench sticking to their furniture, his parents tied him to a tree in the backyard, throwing him buckets of chum every day for sustenance. His whole life, he's grown up without anyone to talk to, alone with only the elements, his imaginary friend Timothy, and the howling of neighborhood dogs to keep him company.
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C2: Cool Grey No. 2
The burly creature you see before you is not Cool Grey No. 2. If you will divert your attention to what he has nestled under his arm, you will discover the world's only sentient parasol. This is Cool Grey No. 2, who is hell-bent on dominating the world of humans, who have used his kind for their own selfish benefits for too long. However, his bumbling fool of a lackey can't seem to get it through his thick skull that he's supposed to actually be helpful, because he has foiled all of Cool Grey No. 2's evil plots through his incompetent brainlessness and foolish antics. Cool Grey No. 2 really needs to be more discerning with his taste in henchmen.
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C3: Cool Grey No. 3
I don't have the heart to tell Cool Grey No. 3 that her newborn baby boy is actually a deadly parasite that has taken residence inside her maternal pouches. She's been desperate to have a child for so long that she's become delusional, and actually believes that a slimy, poisonous creature is her son. Whatever you do, don't tell her the truth; it would break her heart. Also, the parasite would probably kill you.
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C4: Cool Grey No. 4
Cool Grey No. 4's story is so horrible that I can't even put it in print. Seriously, my boss saw it and threatened to fire me unless I took it out. So I guess you'll just have to use your imaginations on this one.
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C5: Cool Grey No. 5
Cool Grey No. 5 is a foreign beauty that every man swoons for. However, what they don't know is that she's actually a spy, sent by polish intelligence agencies to retrieve privy information that can be used to further her country's secret agenda: european domination. She also likes drinking tea.
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C6: Cool Grey No. 6
Cool Grey No. 6 has a rare form of synesthesia that allows him to literally eat the sounds he hears. The birdsongs in the morning are like breadcrumbs to his tastebuds, and the arguments of his next-door neighbors are like a mouthful of vinegar. His version of a three-course meal is going to the opera, dabbling in the divine tastes of the orchestra and drinking the bitter wine of the vocalists' howls. Subsequently, real food can no longer satiate his appetite, and he is now starving to death.
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C7: Cool Grey No. 7
Cool Grey No. 7 is a professional doula. He's helped deliver babies in thunderstorms, forest fires, oil spills, and even nuclear holocaust. In fact, he's so good at his job that if he assists in the deliveries of five more babies this month, Doulas Inc. is planning to promote him to the coveted title of "Savvy Obstetrician".
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C8: Cool Grey No. 8
In the dark alleyways of New York city, down the most sinister of shady lanes, Cool Grey No. 8 is open for business. He sells a very particular type of product. A product that caters to a very particular clientele. A product that, if discovered by the authorities, could land anyone in jail for the rest of their lives. Cool Grey No. 8 sells torsos. Dozens of them. Upper torsos, lower torsos, middle torsos, old torsos, young torsos, ethnic torsos, white-trash torsos, he has them all. In fact, there's one particular torso he thinks will pull in quite the lovely cash. He swiped it off a swanky secretary a couple days back. Some people will pay top dollar for that sorta thing. Personally, Cool Grey No. 8 thinks those people are all sick freaks. But he's not here to judge. He's here to do business.
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C9: Cool Grey No. 9
Cool Grey No. 9 is starting to get a tad creeped out by his new tenant. He's the owner of an old apartment building in the downtown area of New York city, and the new guy he's renting out to seems....off, somehow. He's always carrying these weird boxes to and from his apartment, and wears such dark clothing. He's always going out so late at night, too....What really unsettles Cool Grey No. 9 the most, though, is this guy's mask: the emotionless blank slab of porcelain that's always covering his face. In fact, now that he thinks about it, Cool Grey No. 9 has never seen him take the mask off. He tried calling a private eye to investigate the matter, but all he got was a message saying that the fellow had gone off to france to pursue a hot new lead in some sort of missing torso case. Just Cool Grey No. 9's luck. He really hopes nothing criminal is going on in his apartments.
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C10: Cool Grey No. 10
Cool Grey No. 10 has never said a word. He mostly keeps to himself. He's a fairly shy fellow, and generally is gentle and unassuming. But when one looks into his eyes, they get a dreadful sense of unease. They can feel him staring inside of them, seeing right through their facade. And then they realize: he knows. Every single terrible thing they have ever done in their life, all of their lies, their deceit, he knows them all. And as he stands there, silent and still, he is secretly judging you for the terrible person that you are. But he never vocalizes his disdain. He continues to keep to himself, which is the most disquieting part of all.
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N0: Neutral Grey No. 0
One of Neutral Grey No. 0's buddies dared him to pee on an electrical generator, and not being one to back down from a dare, he accepted. Not only did he knock out all the power in Ohio for 14 hours, but he paralyzed himself from neck to toe, and can never use his legs or arms again. Neutral Grey No. 0 is now being kept under constant supervision, because clearly he is not competent enough to care for himself.
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N1: Neutral Grey No. 1
Neutral Grey No. 1 has some big shoes to fill. His father is the most fearsome sea-monster in all of the Asian continent. He has destroyed the Japanese mainland on a bi-yearly basis for centuries, desecrated the shores of China since time immemorial, and defiled the mighty Ganges whenever the moon was full. Now that he is old, and too weak to carry out these tasks, he is putting it on his only son, Neutral Grey No. 1, to take up the noble family tradition of monstrous terrorism. Neutral Grey No. 1 just doesn't have the heart to tell his poor, decrepit father that he's planning to move to Europe instead to become a professional dancer.
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N2: Neutral Grey No. 2
When he was asked to compete in the winter olympics, Neutral Grey No. 2 decided to take up the most rigorous training regimen he could. He decided that he would wake up at dawn every day, go jogging until noon, eat thirteen raw eggs for lunch, continue jogging until nightfall, and then spend his nights stretching and flexing until he passed unconscious from the strain. He later decided that was too much work, so he just took a bunch of steroids instead, and Neutral Grey No. 2 went home from the winter olympics thirteen gold medals richer.
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N3: Neutral Grey No. 3
Neutral Grey No. 3 has crippling self-esteem issues. Every day when he gets out of bed, the first thing he thinks of is how fat he is. When he's in line at the grocery store, he wonders if everyone thinks that he's ugly. He secretly believes that all of his friends hate him, and only spend time with him as part of an elaborate joke at his expense. And every night as he goes to sleep, he cries inside at the thought of another day to face. There is no punchline to Neutral Grey No. 3's story, just a bitter, lingering sorrow and disappointment.
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N4: Neutral Grey No. 4
Look, I'm gonna level with you here: when I made Neutral Grey No. 4, I was kinda just phoning it in. I had a big date to get to, and his creation was the only thing standing between me and a night on the town, so I sorta just slapped him together as fast as I could. He was somewhat of an afterthought, to be honest. I feel that writing a story for such an uninspired creation can only lead to even less inspiring results, and as such shall not be writing anything for this slipshod fellow.
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N5: Neutral Grey No. 5
Neutral Grey No. 5 is the end result of extensive drug experimentation in the 60's. Commissioned by Dr. Albert Hoffman as a human guinea-pig, Neutral Grey No. 5 was injected with several strains of LSD continually over a period of three years. Eventually his body began to mutate along with his mind, including the disturbing development of a third eye that could foresee people's deaths. He is also now in a constant state of delusion, and stands firm in his conviction that the universe is composed entirely of tiny, microscopic geese.
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N6: Neutral Grey No. 6
Neutral Grey No. 6 is a waiter at the fanciest restaurant in all of Paris. However, his recent habit of taking a giant, dead mackerel with him to work is starting to jeopardize his job security, as multiple customers have complained about the lingering stench of decay that the mackerel generates. Neutral Grey No. 6 doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with this, which is possibly more disconcerting than the actual act of carrying a dead mackerel to work every day.
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N7: Neutral Grey No. 7
As a mortician, Neutral Grey No. 7 sees some odd and disturbing things, but until yesterday he had never seen a case of the reanimated dead. It was around 10pm: the lower half of a young, twenty-something woman had been brought into the morgue. The top half, he was informed, had not been located at the scene of the crime. Fairly typical business, in this field of work. So Neutral Grey No. 7 unzipped the body-bag, tagged the left foot, and filed it away with the rest of the corpses. So far, everything's normal. But twenty minutes later, as he was inspecting another corpse for tissue decay, there was a thumping coming from the body cabinet. So Neutral Grey No. 7 opened it up, and out flopped the lower torso, writhing on the ground in an extraordinarily unsettling manner. Even more peculiar, it somehow managed to quickly pull itself up onto its legs, and ran right out of the morgue in the blink of an eye. Neutral Grey No. 7 doesn't even know if he himself can believe what happened, so explaining the situation to his superiors has proven even more difficult. He's being docked in pay and another staff member is going to be monitoring him for the next few days.
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N8: Neutral Grey No. 8
Neutral Grey No. 8 is the only bastion of true innocence left in this world. He has remained pure from all evils of this world, uncorrupted by lust, greed, envy, or any other lowly human sin. He lives at the bottom of a lake, sucking fungus off of seaweeds for sustenance. He has never left his lake, and he never will: the outside world is too dangerous, and could pervert his perfect soul. So he will live out his days underwater, sitting motionless and peacefully, for thus is the path of true righteousness.
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N9: Neutral Grey No. 9
Neutral Grey No. 9 presides at the top of the tallest tree on the top of the tallest hill in all of Brighton. From there, he broadcasts his highly-popular talk show, "Musings On The Other Self", which basically consists of him complaining about the price of petrol for two hours.
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N10: Neutral Grey No. 10
Neutral Grey No. 10 dances for nickels at the alehouse every Friday and Saturday night. His pirouettes and acrobatics are the delight of the drunken townsfolk, and in their intoxicated state they often pay him much more than they should. Neutral Grey No. 10's little dance has earned him millions from the pockets of his fellow man, whose lack of self-control and judgement have cost them dearly.
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T0: Toner Grey No. 0
Toner Grey No. 0 is the worst pet you could ever have. He eats your taxes, he eats your toiletries, he eats your other pets, and then he defecates them all over your living room five minutes before you have company over for tea, and you just KNOW how Ms. Huffingston is going to react to this, so you try to clean it up but then you realize that Toner Grey No. 0 has laid poisonous eggs inside your vacuum cleaner and urinated in your cleaning solvents so you have to clean it up by hand with your expensive new towel set and JUST when you get everything looking presentable in time Toner Grey No. 0 bites Ms. Huffingston in the shins and injects her with a deadly poison which kills her so know you have charges of MURDER on your hands. Thanks a lot, Toner Grey No. 0.
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T1: Toner Grey No. 1
Toner Grey No. 1 was a horrifically ugly child. The other children would throw rocks at him during recess every day, and the bus drivers would always swerve to hit him on the way to pick him up. While he was growing up, he was always told that when was older, he could cocoon and emerge as a beautiful version of himself, and nobody would make fun of him. So Toner Grey No. 1 patiently waited, hanging on to the hope of becoming beautiful, and just last week he finally began to cocoon. When he emerged, he found himself with a chin five times bigger than it was before, coated in horrendous stubble, and with bags under his eyes that made him look like an intravenous drug user. And that's just his head. To be frank, he's kind of afraid to see how the rest of him looks.
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T2: Toner Grey No. 2
Toner Grey No. 2 has been rejecting my advances for years. Every valentines day I get her a rose, every Christmas I buy her a puppy, every Saint Patricks Day I get drunk and call her up on a payphone while puking my guts out. But still, she won't give me the honor of her fair company. What does a guy have to do to win a girl's heart?
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T3: Toner Grey No. 3
Toner Grey No. 3 is part of the rare species of "butcherfly", an insect so malicious and bloodthirsty that encountering one is said to be like encountering a crack-addled hobo in a dark alleyway. That is to say, it probably won't bode well for your survival.
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T4: Toner Grey No. 4
Toner Grey No. 4 is terribly insecure about his weight. Every morning when he looks into the mirror, all he thinks about is how fat he looks. He throws up after every meal to make sure he doesn't gain any volume. If he could just get down to 1.3L, he would be happy with himself. Why did he have to be born with 2L? He's so jealous of those damn 1L cartons. They have all the luck!
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T5: Toner Grey No. 5
Toner Grey No. 5 really hates the cold. Even if he's just going out to check the mail, he bundles up like a conservative sherpa. The slightest breeze sends bone-shattering shivers down his spine, and the touch of snow on his skin is like corrosive acid on a pomegranate. If his body temperature ever drops below 153.6 degrees fahrenheit, he passes unconscious from vicious chills. Toner Grey No. 5 really hates the cold.
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T6: Toner Grey No. 6
Toner Grey No. 6 speaks only through his casio keyboard. He can communicate the most complex of emotions through only a few artfully placed bleeps and bloops. His eloquent musical elegies have brought even of the most embittered souls to tears with their beauty. It's kind of a pain in the ass to drag his keyboard everywhere with him, though.
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T7: Toner Grey No. 7
Typically, fairies are born from dandelion fluff laced with a pinch of magic, and the results are always decidedly female. However, an incident involving a genetically-altered dandelion and heretical black magic resulted in the creation of Toner Grey No. 7, the first male fairy in existence. The Sprite High Council, unsure of what to do with this anomaly, decided that he should be sequestered away from society, locked in an enchanted lilypad so as not to disturb the social order of the female fairy colony. Toner Grey No. 7, hearing of the High Council's plan, fled into hiding, and is starting an underground movement rallying for equitable treatment for men in fairy society.
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T8: Toner Grey No. 8
Toner Grey No. 8's rabbit-ear antenna pick up only one air signal. It is a signal of despair. A signal of sadness, of sorrow so deep that to spend even an hour sat in front of it, lounging on your couch alone with only your insecurities to keep you company, is enough to drive a man to suicide. He also sometimes gets free HBO.
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T9: Toner Grey No. 9
Toner Grey No. 9 has been smoking for the last one-hundred years. Unable to stop when his lungs deteriorated, he kept smoking until even his head began to collapse in on itself. Kept alive purely by his desire to smoke another day, Toner Grey No. 9 is now a hollow husk of a man, inhaling his smoggy vice through the gaping hole that was once where his head was. But he can quit any time he wants.
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T10: Toner Grey No. 10
As the choir director for St. Rinaldo's School For Catholic Boys, Toner Grey No. 10 has a tough year ahead of him. His three best altos were excommunicated for making light of the lord's prayer, and his sopranos have taken a permanent vow of silence. The big Catholic Ball is three weeks away, and Toner Grey No. 10 is sweating bullets in anticipation and fear that he'll be fired if all doesn't go well in the choir.
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W00: Warm Grey No. 00
Warm Grey No. 00 loves to give hugs. That way, he can sneakily plant tracking devices on you while you think that you're being given free affection so that the F.B.I can watch your every move. Oh, Warm Grey No. 00's affections aren't free; they come at the cost of your freedom and ability to buy contraband weapons undetected.
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W0: Warm Grey No. 0
Warm Grey No. 0 was created by biologists in an attempt to construct a creature that could be used to accurately demonstrate the beauty of the human organ system to children, effectively eliminating the need for biological diagrams in the public school system. Things took a turn for the horrific when Warm Grey No. 0 was unveiled at the National Children's Education Festival, and proceeded to devour the entire first-grade class of Oaklahoma Elementary School. The schoolboard is now making him attend a mandatory anger-management test, after which he will be able to go back to his place in the school system.
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W1: Warm Grey No. 1
Warm Grey No. 1 is a surplus, unused character from the low-rated 90's children's animated show, "Morgan The Cultist Goes To Vancouver". His animation cells were drawn during production, and he was originally intended as a central character, but the executive producer decided at the last minute that the show had too many characters for their modest budget to allow, so Warm Grey No. 1 was cut from the series.
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W2: Warm Grey No. 2
Warm Grey No. 2 is the secret last boss of an archaic old japanese RPG. In order to be able to fight him you must acquire the Golden Amulet of Boruk-Al'Dus, slay the dreaded Nyxlothian deep within the Crynmik Cave, and get your main character's lute-playing ability to level 56. Once you complete all of these requirements, you can face the mighty Warm Grey No. 2, who instantly kills your entire party no matter what you do. This dreadful beast has long been the bane of all game fanatics.
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W3: Warm Grey No. 3
Warm Grey No. 3 is rumored to reside at the bottom of the Lach Ness lake. Sightings have been rare, but the occasional townsfolk have sworn that they've seen him surface from the lake's briny surface. As such, he is one of the world's biggest tourist attractions, garnering hundreds of thousands of watchers every year who hope to catch a glimpse of him. As you can imagine, this has put a serious damper on Warm Grey No. 3's social life.
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W4: Warm Grey No. 4
As a member of the dignified Flying Chimera Clan, Warm Grey No. 4 is expected to conduct himself with certain...shall we say, "standards". However, his affinity for japanese anime and terrible fanart are becoming a serious threat to the integrity of the organization. The Flying Chimera Clan has already put him on manga probation, but they fear that they might have to expel him from their ranks soon.
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W5: Warm Grey No. 5
Warm Grey No. 5 used to be the bass player for an underground scuzz-rock band called Cameralopard. His stage name was "Tendonitis", and he played every show in a flaming body-cast. Sadly, the band broke up when the singer, "Rickets", decided he was better off pursuing a career in politics, and went on to become leader of the conservative party. Warm Grey No. 5 still wears the full-body burns from those good old days with pride.
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W6: Warm Grey No. 6
Warm Grey No. 6 makes the best apple crumble pie you ever did taste. One morsel is said to drive the most stoic of individuals into a mad frenzy of lust and debauchery. It also goes great with a warm glass of milk.
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W7: Warm Grey No. 7
Warm Grey No. 7 has hidden cameras spread across town. He can see what's going on at the police station 24/7. He can see into the secret meetings of the town hall. And even now, he can see into your house; he's watching you peruse these words, watching the beads of sweat slowly drip down the back of your neck from reading this; he even notices the slight tingling in your spine as you realize that you're being watched. Warm Grey No. 7 can see your fear.
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W8: Warm Grey No. 8
Warm Grey No. 8 can control our feeble human minds. I can feel him, digging deep inside my brain, looking for secrets and trying to manipulate me. I must remain strong, I mus-YES, THERE, THAT WARM GREY NO. 8 SURE IS A MAGNIFICENT FELLOW, AND HE MOST CERTAINLY CANNOT CONTROL THE HUMAN MIND, SUCH THOUGHTS ARE RIDICULOUS AND WE SHALL NO LONGER SPEAK OF THEM.
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W9: Warm Grey No. 9
Warm Grey No. 9 used to be the greatest chef in all of Greece, until was turned into stone during an intense cook-off with the legendary Gorgon chef, Zola. His petrified remains are in full display at The National Museum of Athens for all to enjoy.
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W10: Warm Grey No. 10
To the untrained eye, Warm Grey No. 10 is your regular, unassuming businessman, living a calm and conservative life. However, deep underneath his floorboards lies a terrible secret. A secret so horrific, so unspeakably appalling that your mind could not even begin to fathom it. A secret that he will not allow anyone to know. Especially not you.
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