E0000: Floral White
Every single spur and spike on Floral White's body contains a deadly neurotoxin that causes permanent paralysis in whatever it comes in contact with. His saliva is also highly acidic, and can corrode over thirteen layers of steel. And to top it all off, his excrement contains high amounts of uranium, and gives radiation poisoning to everyone within a one-mile radius of it. Floral White is currently employed as the Ambassador of Foreign Affairs for the United States government.
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E000: Pale Fruit Pink
Pale Fruit Pink is a microscopic fish that swims inside the noses of deep sea divers. Once inside their nasal cavity, it quickly makes its way upwards to the medulla oblongata and severs it with its sharp, jagged teeth, killing its prey instantly. But it kills not out of bloodlust, but necessity: Pale Fruit Pink's natural prey, the seal, has been hunted to near-extinction by us humans. It is said that a single diver's corpse can feed a horde of three-million Pale Fruit Pinks for over five years. They're just trying to balance the food chain.
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E00: Skin White
Skin White was created by PlayToys Incorporated in an attempt to appeal to the key "edgy toddler" demographic. He was built with real limb-gnawing action, and when squeezed screamed expletives at a shrill and frequent pace. His marketing campaign took it a step even further, portraying a young child using Skin White as a bullying tool to abuse and terrorize other children. The marketing campaign, despite having a runtime of a mere three days before the FCC pulled it off the air, was wildly successful, making Skin White the most sought-after toy of the holiday season. Sadly, he was pulled off the market when seventeen children died from the toxins he released from his pores when touched.
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E01: Pink Flamingo
Pink Flamingo is extremely anal-retentive. His friends often find themselves irritated by his insistence on making sure their clothing is completely wrinkle-free, and his obsession with combing each of their individual hairs into perfect position. Frankly, I can't stand the guy either; he keeps calling me up and telling me that the design for this site is all wrong, and that all of the other characters should have matching dimensions and personalities. I've tried changing my phone number, but he somehow keeps getting a hold of me.
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E02: Fruit Pink
Fruit Pink can hear the secret whisperings of the clouds. And they are not happy. They speak of a great uprising, a rainstorm great enough to wipe out the blight that is humanity. Fruit Pink has tried to warn us, but we won't listen. So he's building a giant ark in preparation for the coming flood. This whole scenario seems awfully familiar, but I can't remember why....
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E04: Lipstick Natural
Lipstick Natural is the demigod of menial chores. His job is to clean up all the other gods' messes. He sweeps the runoff corpses back into The River Styx, and cleans the wine-stains out of Bacchus' rugs. Uncited in any religious historical texts, Lipstick Natural's job is truly a thankless one.
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E07: Light Mahogany
Light Mahogany is in her 57th consecutive year at Pepperidge School For The Dancing-Inclined. Enrolling at the ripe age of thirteen, her eagerness to become a ballerina was second only to her inability to co-ordinate herself. In her first public performance, Light Mahogany's attempt at a pirouette maimed several of her classmates and decapitated the first three rows of the audience. Undeterred by what her teachers referred to as "an utter lack of talent or mental stability", she swore to prove everyone wrong and become a famous dancer, no matter how long it took. 56 years later, Light Mahogany is starting to have second thoughts about her career choice.
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E08: Brown
Brown started his career as a lowly busboy in a famous hollywood restaurant, but he always dreamed of making it big and becoming a recognized name in this town of corruption and crapulence. His big break came when he happened to be serving a famous hollywood producer who liked his spunk with plates and utensils. The producer cast him as "waiter #2" in his next big film, Slants Of The Alpines, to much critical acclaim. Soon, Brown's phone was ringing off the hook; requests to do infomercials about butlery, offers to star in the next big restaurant reality show, and even propositions from big-shot directors to play high-profile extras. Before long, he had become one of the great names of hollywood, among the same ranks as Colm Meaney and Alan Rickman. But the fame went to his head; Brown quickly fell into a downward spiral of debauchery and "method acting" that threatened to ruin his life. His copious drug abuse and three-hooker lifestyle came to a flaming halt when he did a bunch of heroin and then crashed his car into Grauman's Chinese Theatre. His body was never found, which led speculators to believe that Brown fled from tinseltown after the accident, realizing the error of his chauvinistic ways and moving on to a more fulfilling existence. Then again, maybe he just didn't want to pay the damages on the theatre.
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E09: Burnt Sienna
Burnt Sienna is the household sensation that's sweeping the nation! He slices! He dices! He mutates! He pupates! He corrrodes! He explodes! He's great with kids! He'll do your taxes! He'll clean your dishes! He'll re-wire your fusebox into an explosive weapon! He cleans the sheets! He secretes a poisonous fluid! Better than a dog! More lethal than a cat! Never sheds, never makes waste, flies around your living room at three in the morning emitting vibrations that shatter your windows! He's all things to all people! Get your own Burnt Sienna today!
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E11: Barley Beige
Barley Beige came to Earth as an ambassador from a planet of unparalleled evil, on a mission to survey our planet's weaknesses and alert the Mothership Of Cruelty to the opportune time to annihilate the human race. Donning a clever disguise as an American supermodel, Barley Beige was easily able to infiltrate our society, and used his irresistable sexual allure to gain access to our government's secret defense systems. It is now only a matter of time before this vile seductress will send the Mothership to wipe us out.
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E13: Light Suntan
Recently, and odd series of killings occured in the greater Oakland area. The victims had no relation, and the crimes were not connected in any way, save for one key detail: each crime scene had an air-wrapped bowl of potato salad placed in the victim's arms. This "potato salad killer", as the press dubbed him, became the most prolific killer in Oakland, and the police were desperately scrambling to capture him. But, with no evidence and no leads, they were unable to do much of anything, and the killer is still at large. Little do they realize that in a quiet basement, three blocks away from the police department, Light Suntan is preparing another batch of his famous potato salad.
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E15: Dark Suntan
Dark Suntan is a large body of asteroids in the outer reaches of the Milky Way Galaxy, halfway between Neptune and Pluto. Nothing ever makes its way out to that part of the galaxy, and he's starting to get bored. All the exciting stuff happens on Earth, but even when they go into space they only ever go to Mars and back. The loneliness has become overwhelming in Dark Suntan's stretch of the galaxy, and he thinks that he might just head on over to Earth to see what they're up to. The last time he visited was when the dinosaurs were around, and they didn't seem to appreciate it too much, but Dark Suntan has faith that these "humans" he's heard about will be much more understanding. Time heals all wounds, after all.
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E17: Reddish Brass
Unable to cope with the everyday drudgery of working life, Reddish Brass built himself a sailboat out of a magical quilt his mother gave him when he was a child. He set sail across the Atlantic Ocean, determined to find an island paradise of adventure and whimsy. After befriending an elderly whale with arthritis and a group of british seagull thugs, he found a little island in the middle of a whirlpool filled with dense jungles and picturesque waterfalls. Using the help of his new friends, Reddish Brass made his way onto the island, where he discovered a race of dog-men who were under the enslavement of Lord Archibald Jones, the cruelest gorilla in all of the jungle. In order to free them, he had to venture deep into the Cave Of Mystical Colors, where he found the Enchanted Sword Of Sucrose. He then used this powerful and legendary blade to usurp Lord Archibald Jones from his tyrannical throne, and the dog-men were forever in his debt. Reddish Brass now lives on the island (dubbed "Fantastic Island" by him), surrounded by his animal friends and happy to awake every day to a new adventure. Hey, it beats being an accountant.
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E18: Copper
Copper works for a small-time comedy troupe that tours the western United States, bringing light chuckles and passable entertainment wherever they go. Learning to ride a unicycle at the ripe age of three, Copper always knew that this would be his profession, for his love of bringing children laughter exceeds all his wants for worldly possessions. Things like a house or a paycheck don't matter; he does it for the kids. Sadly, the kids aren't quite as enthralled by his antics as he would want to believe, and often would rather be playing the newest violent videogame than watching some weird lizard thing ride a unicycle. But don't tell Copper that.
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E19: Redwood
As far as anyone can tell, Redwood is some sort of horrific amalgamation of canine and venomous spider. All efforts to learn more about this creature have been met with extreme acts of violence, resulting in the deaths of no less than three fellow zoologists, as well as great personal harm to myself. Ever since I was tasked with studying Redwood, I have lost several of my limbs, as well as my left (and favorite) eyeball. The worst part is that even though my research has finished, Redwood isn't done with me; even as I write this, I can feel him watching me with his cold, unfeeling eyes, waiting to deliver the killing blow and feast on my frail corpse.
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E21: Baby Skin Pink
Baby Skin Pink is a world-renowned biochemist, desperately searching for a cure for the mysterious new disease known simply as "The Death Wheeze". When one contracts The Death Wheeze, their entire body begins contorting and twisting, eventually breaking all of the subject's bones and causing them to deteriorate into a lumpy pile of mucilage. Twenty-four hours ago Baby Skin Pink was diagnosed with the first stages of The Death Wheeze, and now is in a mad rush to create a syrum that will save his life.
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E25: Caribe Cocoa
Caribe Cocoa is a scourge upon the poor farmers of New Hampshire. Late in the night, when the moon's ivory glow shines down on the land, he sneaks into crop fields through a network of underground tunnels and devours all that is in his path. His feeding habits have devastated the townsfolk of New Hampshire, who have resorted to cannibalism to satisfy their raging hunger. Families have been torn apart, man turned against his fellow man, blood running through the streets as good people do horrible things to survive, and all because of Caribe Cocoa's midnight snacks.
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E27: Africano
Africano lives alone on a desolate patch of land in the Northwest Territories. Despite once being a highly-successful writer, he had fallen into a creative slump, and decided to move to a lonesome cabin in Yellowknife in the hopes that it would inspire him to create new work. But when night fell upon his humble abode, spirits of the damned rose from the snow, yearning to consume his body of warm flesh. Africano now lives trapped inside his cabin, unable to leave for fear of the undead horde. He has, however, written several more successful novels since moving, including the megahit: "Trapped In A Log Cabin By An Army of The Damned".
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E29: Burnt Umber
Burnt Umber is covered in a protective outer-coating that releases deadly neurotoxins whenever anyone comes within a three-foot radius of him. The toxins seep into the brain, causing extreme bouts of epilepsy, vomiting, diabetes, and death. Needless to say, Burnt Umber has a hard time making any friends. And the problems this has caused in his past relationships with the fairer sex? Don't even get him started on that!
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E30: Bisque
Bisque is a low-paid stand-up comedian who frequents several dive bars in the greater Oakland area. His jokes about orphanages and corporal punishment are often received with boos and hisses from the audience. Bisque still has scars from when a particularly unruly patron threw an entire set of kitchenware at him, resulting in seventy-four stitches in seven different parts of his body. It's just one of the hazards of his job; as long as he still gets his thirty-five dollars at the end of the night, he doesn't care what he has to endure.
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E31: Brick Beige
Brick Beige is an ethereal creature known as a dreamcatcher. He goes into people's minds while they sleep at night and hunts them in their dreams for sport. While most dreamcatchers feed on the souls of those that they capture, Brick Beige works solely on a catch-and-release basis.
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E33: Sand
Sand suffers from multiple personality disorder. Deep inside the recesses of his mind live a mime, a ballerina, a serial killer, and even an ex-military veteran scarred by his memories of war. Fortunately, the dominant personality is a professional psychologist, so he can help all his other personalities with their glaring character problems.
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E34: Orientale
The result of an unholy union of black magic and ventriloquism, Orientale is the reanimated corpse of a puppet, possessed with the ancient spirit of Anubis. In his weak cotton shell of a body, he is unable to unleash his fury and loathing upon the human race, and is instead reduced to entertaining children at low-key party events. Orientale considers this to be a great outrage and swears his bloody, violent vengeance against every child he's ever had to entertain.
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E35: Chamois
Chamois lives every moment of his life in abject terror. Everything scares him: the wind, his curtains, even the tone in his wife's voice when she finds out he's been drinking tequila. Doctors estimate that he's had an average of three stress-related heart attacks a week for the last five years of his life. His job as a demolitions expert of haunted coal-mines doesn't help matters.
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E37: Sepia
Sepia is the most notorous jewel thief in France. She can avoid any security system, crack any vault, flee from any chase. However, there has recently been a strange detective trailing her, following her at every turn. He accuses her of stealing the torso of a young American girl. It is an outrage! Torsos are worth nothing in today's market! The beautiful and crafty Sepia would not waste her valuable time on stealing something so commonplace as a torso! This handsome detective has the wrong culprit! But he will not believe her, and continues to pursue her endlessly. The life of a beautiful jewel thief is never calm!
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E39: Leather
Leather was unearthed during an archeological excavation in the Sahara Desert. His discoverer, Dr. Phillip Angros, found him underneath the tomb of the lost pharaoh Moonbathus, snarling and clawing at the remains of the servants Moonbathus had buried with him. Amazed by his discovery, and pitying the poor creature, Dr. Angros took Leather into his custody, with the intent of bringing him back to his study in Edinburgh for further analyzation. Unfortunately, during its transport the creature broke loose from its binds and devoured the entire expedition crew. It has never been seen since.
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E40: Brick White
When Brick White's body was destroyed in the explosion of Chernobyl, science was unable to repair it. However, the near-lethal dose of radiation that he was exposed to during the blast caused him to mutate, and extended his tongue to seventeen times its original length. After years of training, he has learned to balance himself on it, and in time even taught himself how to slither around by contracting his jaw muscles. Brick White is fully rehabilitated, and is now able to resume living a normal life in society.
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E41: Pearl White
Pearl White is the leader of a notorious gang of negligent biker-punks, The Cold Barters. He remembers the glory days, where nobody in town questioned the authority of him and his crew; not even the police bothered trying to stop them from their nefarious antics. But then a rival gang, known simply as The Maladroits, rolled into town, bringing with them a wave of terror and lurid graffiti the likes of which none had ever seen. The police even went as far as acknowledging them as "the new form of militant government in town". Outraged by these allogations, and that he'd never been able to reach that level of notoriety himself, Pearl White arranged a vicious gang-war that would pit The Cold Barters against The Maladroits in a winner-takes-all battle royale. It takes place next thursday, and admission costs five dollars per person.
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E42: Sand White
Sand White has traveled all over the known world. If he ever gets a chance to sit you down, he will tell you all about his brave exploits throughout the globe. He'll fondly recall the time he brought peace to a tribe of beautiful warring amazon women, and they rewarded him with the priceless ruby of their people. He'll frightfully regale you with his chilling adventures in the egyptian catacombs, where he fended-off the reanimated corpse of an ancient pharaoh. If you're particularly lucky, he'll even whisper in hushed tones of his secret escapades in the USSR, and how he single-handedly brought them to justice. I'm going to to go ahead and tell you right now, all of these stories are lies. Sand White is just an old boozehound, desperately seeking attention through false stories of fake exploits that never even happened. Don't give him the satisfaction of listening to his garbage, he doesn't deserve it.
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E43: Dull Ivory
Dull Ivory is the mascot for a Norwegian alcohol called "Utspy Dusj". Years of drinking this salty ale have reduced Dull Ivory to a blithering mess of the man that he once was, all but ruining his relationships with all of his former loved ones. But as the slogan of Utspy Dusj says, "Once you start, you won't remember how to stop!".
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E44: Clay
Whilst hiking through the woods one day, Clay fell through a mile-long hole in the ground and landed in a subterranean complex built by an ancient race of molemen. He is desperately trying to dig his way out, but progress has been slow, and he has yet to make his way back up to the surface world. So he continues to dig, all the while haunted by the skeletal remains of the ancient molemen, staring at him ceaselessly through their hollow, unfeeling eye-sockets.
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E47: Dark Brown
Dark Brown is a trader of all things forbidden and occult. Looking for the cursed teeth of Tutankhamen? He currently has three in stock. Do you need a present for that annoying cousin who always gets drunk at your parties and makes out with your significant other? Why not get him a pestilent plague scroll from the ruins of Babylon? And if you have a sweet tooth, he's got a bag of apocalyptic gummi-worms that are simply to die for! (Store located halfway between purgatory and the river of styx).
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E49: Dark Bark
Dark Bark has never been the same since the death of her husband Herbert. Once an upbeat and sunny individual, she now hides away in her house, away from the outside world, wearing curtains as dresses and gaining considerable amounts of weight. She's also adopted over thirty-five stray cats, and can be heard singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" at top volume late into the night.
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E50: Egg Shell
Egg Shell is assembled from spare character ideas that I had lying around this site. He's a chimera of uninspired personalities and half-assed physical deformities, scrounged from the depths of my creative dearth. Egg Shell is doomed to never have a personality or characteristic of his own, forever in the shadow of the lesser creations that he was spawned from.
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E51: Milky White
Milky White earns his living by stalking a-list celebrities in order to document their most personal and embarrassing moments. He pulled in a cool $4,000.00 last week for snapping a picture of Bruce Willis dropping a watermelon at a supermarket, which quickly appeared on the front page of every tawdry and shameless celebrity magazine in town. However, the true money lies in following his personal idol and obsession, George Clooney. He spends every night parked outside of the Clooney Compound in his Range Rover, waiting for any slip in compound security to allow him access to prime celebrity dirt. To date, Milky White's highest-selling photograph was of Mr. Clooney tripping on his front steps and dropping his briefcase, which netted him a cool $1.5 million.
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E53: Raw Silk
Raw Silk revels in his own immaturity. His mind is a breeding ground for fart jokes, lewd gestures, and childish mockeries. Nary a day goes by where he doesn't give his wife a pinkbelly, distribute wet willies to his teenage sons, and punish his old, decrepit father with a dreaded purple nurple. His juvenile behaviour is even beginning to threaten his job security at the funeral parlour, after he gave the deceased Ms. Studebaker a noogie during her eulogy. When his boss confronted him about his inappropriate conduct, Raw Silk told him that he was a "sissy-baby", and pulled his underwear over his head. The only reason his boss hasn't fired him yet is because of his ever-present fear of the atomic wedgie.
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E55: Light Camel
Light Camel lives in a dumpster behind a famous italian restaurant. It's everything he could ever want: spacious, well-padded and insulated with waste, and he gets free linguini whenever he wants. The staff of the restaurant, however, are not quite as enthralled as he is about his new living arrangement, and are desperately trying to get rid of him by soaking their spoiled food in rat poison before throwing it out. Interestingly, Light Camel seems heavily impervious to the toxicity of the food, and has even commented that he "prefers the taste" of the poison-flooded linguini.
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E57: Light Walnut
To you and me he may be the mild-mannered Light Walnut, but to the people of Mexico City he is known simply as "El Majadero", a notoriously reckless vigilante. Known for his tendency to shoot first and drink life-threatening amounts tequila later, "El Majadero" is a terror to public safety and worth five-thousand pesos, dead or alive, to the mexican police.
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E59: Walnut
Walnut is the master of the disconcerting ogle. He can stare an old woman to her knees from 200 yards away, his glower disrupts all cell-phone and television signals within a three-mile radius, and it's even been said that when he leers, the northern region of Japan experiences terrible seismic activity. The world is at the mercy of Walnut's facial dispositions.
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E70: Ash Rose
If you happen to pass Ash Rose on the street and he picks you up to rub you against his giant glossy eyestalk, don't be alarmed; that's just his way of saying hello. All of Ash Rose's sensory receptors are in his eyestalk, so he rubs everything against it to get a sense of how it feels, smells, tastes, and sounds. It's really quite fascinating, if a little bit unsettling...but he's pretty harmless, so I wouldn't worry about it.
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E51: Champagne
Taking a step-up from the proverbial wolf-in-sheep's-clothing, Champagne is a carnivorous troll that disguises himself in the hollowed-out carcass of slain wolves. In this way he infiltrates the pack, slowly gaining their trust, until eventually during the night he kills the weakest of the pack and dons its pelt as a new prize. In this way Champagne can devour entire colonies of wolves in a matter of months, slowly whittling away at their unit cohesion until the final, desperate standoff with the alphamale.
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E74: Cocoa Brown
Cocoa Brown can see for miles with his single, ominous eyeball. He can spot a predator from across an entire forest, and can see the reflection of a rifle's scope from a nearby hilltop in a heartbeat. He is the hardest prey to catch in the known world, and as such is also the most coveted prize of hunters around the globe. It is said that the man who lands a bullet into Cocoa Brown's enormous eyeball will be declared the greatest marksman of all time.
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E77: Maroon
Maroon is a living remnant of the cretaceous era who managed to stay preserved in the La Brea Tar Pits for 65.5 million years. When he emerged from his thick, syrupy prison to find a completely different world than the he had inhabited millennia ago, Maroon decided to make the most of his circumstances and started up a highly-successful textiles company. He is now a multi-millionare and lives in a mansion in Bevery Hills, California.
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E79: Cashew
Cashew suffers from a rare disorder called duodimenalbusplagariphobia, the extreme fear of flat, white 2-dimensional planes. Naturally, he is not dealing very well with being on this website right now.
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E93: Tea Rose
A relic of the mid-90's rave scene, Tea Rose still goes out every friday night to abandoned warehouses and dances the night away to blaring techno beats. Except now, the blaring techno beats are distributed by his half-broken boom-box instead of a high-profile DJ. And instead of having mind-blowing light-shows, he waves around a dull flashlight in dark isolation. He dances alone, filling the empty warehouses with his sorrow and refusal to acknowledge that times have changed.
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E95: Flesh Pink
A deservedly unknown deity from eastern religions, Flesh Pink is the divine acolyte of feigned happiness. He pretends to take the mockery and derision from the greater gods in good stride, but deep down he's a broken man. Flesh Pink's followers, although incredibly few in number, are often known for their mild-mannerisms and general tendency to be pushed around a lot.
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E97: Deep Orange
Deep Orange was the poet laureate for an ancient war-torn society of barbarians. During vicious battles against enemy hordes he would often take a moment to contemplate the perfect rhyme-scheme for his ballads, and was known to compose fantastic couplets whilst gutting his foes. His greatest work, "The Compendium Of Vicious Bloodthirsty Musings", is renowned by historians and literary-types alike for its tenacity and musings on the homicidal nature of man.
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E99: Baked Clay
Baked Clay is strictly a businessman. He gives the people what they want, when and where they want it. He tricks out his product all over town, giving discerning customers free rides to further entice them. He's got everyone in town using his wares, even very discerning and high-ranking politicians. Yes, Baked Clay lives the controversial life of a used-car salesman.
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