The Yellow-Greens

YG0000: Lily White

Lily White was the recipient of the world's first successful torso-reattatchment operation. After a young upstart detective named Mellow Peach managed to capture a vile criminal (heretofore referred to as the "Torso Torsionist") that had been using people's torsos for his own sick and twisted means, all of his victims were collected and brought to the world's foremost medical expert. When asked if he would be able to reattach the victims to their lower body parts, the doctor said it would be impossible, and that the very idea was so ludicrous that he should spit on their faces just for suggesting it. Nevertheless, he agreed to do it, and Lily White was given the first of many operations performed that day. As the first experiment in a relatively unknown and ludicrous area of medicine, there were naturally a few complications: Lily White's higher brain-function was essentially destroyed, leaving him as a blathering, drooling idiot incapable of sentient thought. However, when re-united with his family they confessed that he'd always been that way, so the operation was considered a success.

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YG00: Mimosa Yellow

Mimosa Yellow insists on calling me every morning at 3:18 A.M. and asking me if my refrigerator is running. Since he started this annoying routine I have contacted no less than seven different fridge-repairmen, who have all told me that my fridge is in tip-top shape. I keep trying to tell Mimosa Yellow this, but he insists on calling me about it on a daily basis. I know he's just trying to be helpful, but I'm starting to get a little bit upset with him. If he keeps this up for four more months I have half a mind to tell him to stop calling me.

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YG01: Green Bice

Green Bice is an ardent fan of birdwatching. In fact, he has discovered several species of bird that were thought to have been extinct, including the dodo and the pterodactyl. Sadly, tragedy struck when he brought both specimens together to a birdwatching convention, thus resulting in the second extinction of the dodo. Green Bice has been subsequently banned from all further birdwatching conventions.

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YG03: Yellow Green

Yellow Green once vaulted over a pit of flaming tigers in an attempt to win the heart of his one true love. Tragically, his true love has crippling cataracts, so she couldn't really see the brave and heroic act, but he swears to her that it was every bit as dramatic and amazing as she could have imagined. Still, she would have preferred roses.

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YG05: Salad

Greedy for publicity, Salad threw himself into a well in the hopes of starting a media phenomenon. Sadly, the well he threw himself into was thirteen miles away from all civilization, so he was left stranded in his deep conical prison, never to see the light of day again. Sure, several collies managed to sniff him out, and left with the promise of bringing their masters to free him from this living nightmare, but they never came back. Never trust a collie.

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YG06: Yellowish Green

Yellowish Green is the coveted "missing link" between humans and monkeys. If discovered, he could verify the claims of evolutionists worldwide, and be a beacon of light for science and the progression of humanity. Having creationist beliefs himself, however, Yellowish Green spends his life in hiding, making sure to never reveal the true lineage of humanity.

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YG07: Acid Green

Acid Green can eat through thirteen layers of solid steel using only his molars. It is a talent that he is often called-upon to use, due to his tendency to befriend shifty bank-robbers. They'll bring him along on risky heists, relying on him to devour vaults and makeshift escape routes. Acid Green never was very good at being discriminate with who he hangs around with.

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YG09: Lettuce Green

There was once a man that created an invention that benefitted all of mankind. It solved all the world's greatest problems in one fell swoop. It united nations, it cured diseases, and it brought joy back to the earth. It was truly a godsend to the people of the world. Lettuce Green made his millions by stealing this invention from that man, and selling it off to the highest-bidder for a highly corrupt profit. But hey, business is business.

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YG11: Mignonette

Mignonette broke the World Record in "number of cherry pies consumed consecutively". In a matter of ten minutes he managed to devour seventy-five of these heated pastry delights, stopping only to breathe and to shoot insulin directly into his bloodstream. This was a crowning achievement in comparison to the previous world's record, which had been three cherry pies, consumed over the course of two and a half hours.

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YG13: Chartreuse

If the world were a clock, Chartreuse would be the gear that keeps everything ticking. Hard at work in the hot molten core of the earth, Chartreuse is tasked with constantly monitoring the earth's core and keeping it at a manageable and steady temperature/intesnity. If even a single thing should ever go wrong, the entire world would suffer as a consequence. Ever since his wife left him, though, Chartreuse really hasn't been pulling his weight at his job. We've already lost three continents as a consequence of his negligence. He has been given a strict talking-to and we will be closely monitoring his progress from now on.

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YG17: Grass Green

Grass Green is the head of the Drug Enforcement Task in the Oakland Police Department. It is his strict duty to ensure that all police officers partake in drug abuse while on duty, or suffer dire consequences. In fact, lack of possession of marijuana is now illegal and sentenceable to three years in prison. The cost of living for druglords has been cut in half since Grass Greenjoined the police force, and he plans to have it lowered another 30% by the end of the year!

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YG21: Anise

Anise is the only sane person left in the world. He doesn't know why they locked him in this padded room. He was just going out to get groceries one day and they grabbed him and took him to this big white building. The guards can't even form full complete sentences. They try to force him to eat sneakers and live rodents every night at 6:00. As far as he's been able to tell, a sock puppet is the overseer of this institute. And they make him go to the bathroom in the severed head of an antelope. Anise just really wants to know what the devil is going on.

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YG23: New Leaf

New Leaf claims that he's changed. He claims that he's turned away from his old, evil ways. He says that all those peasant villages that've been burned to the ground recently, those are just a coincidence. What, did you think he was responsible? No! Of course not! The next thing you know, you're going to be blaming him for all the missing orphans in the nearby countrysides! And those corpses that are strung up in front of town hall, those were probably the work of some excitable teenagers. New Leaf wouldn't know anything about that.

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YG25: Celadon Green

Celadon Green lost his wife. He took her to the zoo one day and she disappeared. He turned away for just one second to buy some ice cream, and when he looked back, she was gone. He attempted to find her, but even with the help of the park attendents her whereabouts remained a mystery. Celadon Green wonders why everything he loves runs away from him.

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YG41: Pale Green

Pale Green is often accused of being a bad friend. If you consider a bad friend to be someone who steals your car and drives it into a ditch, then blames your mother for it and gets her thrown into jail for dangerous driving, then moves into her house and doesn't pay you any rent and never invites you over, all the while secretly making lewd advances on your girlfriend, then these accusations are true.

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YG45: Cobalt Green

Cobalt Green was abducted by aliens once. They strapped him to a table and were preparing to dissect him for scientific purposes, when he managed to break free from his shackles and took the ship by storm. He made his way to the control panel and managed to set the ship back on course for Earth; however, he careened out of control at the last second and ended up crashing the ship into the European Embassy. Cobalt Green swears this to be true, but the European Embassy has no comment on the matter.

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YG63: Pea Green

Billions of years ago, long before humanity breathed its first breath, the world trembled under the might of Pea Green. Scientists speculate that he was the largest single-cell organism ever to roam the earth, weighing in at  an astounding 0.0000001 ounces and with a radius of one thirty-thousandth of a millimeter. His deafening roar registered a might 0.0019 decibels on the sound scale, and the swings of his flagella could almost send ripples through the water. He was truly a king among amoebae.

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YG67: Moss

Moss is the life of the party. All men wish they were him, and all women wish they could be his lover. He once spray-painted a cow blood red and released it into a convent at 3:00 A.M. on a Tuesday night. Rumour tells that he covered the community orphanage in lewd and suggestive graffiti. It's even been said that once, under the influence of several undisclosed substances, he threw a flaming cocktail into the window of the police station and killed seventeen officers of the law. No party is truly a party until Moss bursts onto the scene, turntables in hand and girls cooing at his feet. Moss is a bonified party legend.

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YG91: Putty

Meticulous to a fault, Putty has scheduled out his entire life to a precise time-chart. Any deviation from the time-chart is unacceptable. He has gone thirteen years of his life without once breaking his strict, memorized schedule. However, his schedule states that in one week from now, he will be horribly killed in a car accident at precisely 3:46 PM. Will he deviate from the schedule to save his life, or follow it to the bitter end? Tune in next week to find out!

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YG93: Greyish Yellow

Greyish Yellow might be in a bit of trouble. It is entirely possible that the police are after him. You could even say that he's a wanted man. In theory, he's been smuggling drugs across the canadian border for thirteen years. Allegedly, the police are wise to his trafficking, if he was even trafficking in the first place. Greyish Yellow has supposedly already fled the country in fear. In theory.

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YG95: Pale Olive

Pale Olive has invested over thirteen-thousand hours of his life into the Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game "Rosy Filibuster". Not only has he acquired the coveted title that this game bears as it's namesake, but has also gone so far as to unlock the secret, hidden rank of "Raucous Picaroon". He owns over 35% of commodities in the game, and is considered by other players as the totalitarian ruler of the marketplace. Of course, none of this has any real-life relevance, but Pale Olive still likes to think of himself as accomplished.

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YG97: Spanish Olive

Spanish Olive was subcontracted by the American government to design an undefeatable weapon of mass destruction. After months and months of arduous labor, he managed to create an indestructable robot that contained the power of five-hundred atomic bombs. However,Spanish Olive's folly lied in giving the robot artificial intelligence, along with a personality randomizer, which resulted in a deadly weapon with a passive and kindhearted nature. When it was sent out into battle, the robot, instead of destroying the enemy, managed to work out a mutual agreement with their leader and resulted in world peace.  The American Government was outraged, and a result, had Spanish Olive assassinated.

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YG99: Marine Green

Once full of life and vigour, Marine Green's life took a tragic turn when he tripped fell down one-hundred and twenty-five flights of stairs, resulting in a broken toe. Now he spends all of his days inside, mourning the loss of his youthful physique and carefree nature. The doctors told him that he only had to wear the cast for 2 weeks, but Marine Green knows the truth. He'll never be able to live a normal life again.

The Violets

V0000: Rose Quartz

Rose Quartz is a child-eating monster, disguising himself as a beloved object of childhood affection: a big, floating balloon. He waits for unsuspecting parents to purchase him for their children, in a vain attempt to buy their love and affection. Rose Quartz then patiently waits for the father and/or mother to turn their back, if even for just a second, to give him a window of opportunity to attack. Once the coast is clear, he swallows the child whole, and floats up into the atmosphere, evading capture once more. So the next time you buy a balloon for your child, be warned: it could be the last thing your child ever gets.

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V000: Pale Heath

Pale Heath is as surly a customer as you're likely to ever come across. Nobody has ever seen him smile, and all merriment within a three-mile radius of him is like a stinging barb in his heart. In fact, the only joy that Pale Heath gets out of life is destroying others' happiness, and he spends every waking moment of his life doing so. He's ruined marriages, traumatized childhoods, and crushed bar mitzvahs wherever he's gone, and it's the closest thing that he gets to "enjoyment". But still, it never makes him smile; Pale Heath does it out of the kindness of his heart, unhappily sharing his misery with all who cross his path.

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V01: Heath

Heath finds that it's the simplest things in life that are worth the most in the end. As a result, he's been stealing the simplest things from people's lives and selling them back to them for a king's ransom. It's the only way he can afford his lavish, extravagant lifestyle.

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V04: Lilac

Lilac works for the largest bank in North America, and is in charge of their new outreach program to give small-payment loans to chimpanzees. Between you and me, he's getting awfully tired of this monkey business.

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V05: Marigold

Marigold owns forty-three acres of farmland in southern Chernobyl. His family has owned the plot for generations, and damned if he's going to let a little bit of lethal radiation exposure prevent him from upholding tradition! Besides, he doesn't know what everybody has their panties in a bunch about; the radiation sure helps his carrots grow faster, if a bit redder and more bloodthirsty than usual.

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V07: Lavender

Lavender is the world's only remaining specimen of the rare "whooping-cat". Originally a resident of the African Savannah, the whooping-cat was brought to extinction by the local natives, who believed that ingesting the larynx of the dead cat brought them the power to commune with the gods. Lavender, however, managed to avoid this fate by contracting laryngitis, so the natives couldn't locate him by his distinctive howl like they located all the others of his kind.

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V09: Violet

After being hit by a transport truck delivering a shipment of rapiers, Violet was immediately rushed up to the hospital. Realizing that the damage dealt to his mind was beyond repair, the doctors began an immediate brain-transfer operation. However, all the human brains in the hospital were past their expiry date, so they had to substitute with an ostrich's brain. When Violet awoke from the operation, his avian brain caused him to imprint on the first person he saw, who happened to be the beautiful female nurse tending to his wounds. It was love at first sight! However, the nurse was a paraphiliac, and already had a steady relationship going with her kitchen sink. Thus a torrid, convoluted love triangle began, which ended with Violet having a drag race with the kitchen sink to win the beautiful nurse's love. Sadly, five meters past the starting line, both parties' inability to drive caused them to crash headlong into each other, killing off both of the nurse's true loves in one tragic moment.

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V12: Pale Lilac

Pale Lilac is the food-bank kingpin of this town. He has his hands in all the charitable food donation centers for miles around, and has full control over all of their volunteer workers. Corrupted by his power, he exploits it to get free cans of dried milk whenever he pleases.

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V15: Mallow

Mallow is the children's choir director in the Presbytarian Church of Warsaw. He's in charge of the upcoming production of "The Life Of Lot", and has run out of the budget required to realistically portray the transformation of Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. Any charitable donations would be greatly appreciated.

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V17: Amethyst

Well, now you've done it. I'll bet you thought you were saving the world when you brought the Cursed Sword of Manatca up to the top of the Temple of Unknowing. I'll bet you fought valiantly against many a fearsome foe, all the while vindicated in knowing that you were doing the right thing. Well, now you're here, and you've placed the Cursed Sword of Manatca into the Pillar of Cognative Dissonance, and look at what it got you. You've released the trapped soul of Amethyst, a demon so fierce that he was sealed away for centuries to protect the denizens of the world. Thanks to your gallivanting about, trying to be the hero, Amethyst is free to reign destruction upon the cosmos once more. Thanks a lot, man.

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V91: Pale Grape

Pale Grape has an upset stomach. It's always going on about the pile of dreck that is the human race, and how he wishes a giant plume of fire would come out from the sky and burn all those miserable creatures to a charred, dead crisp. Pale Grape attributes this to his diet of pork rinds and soda.

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V93: Early Grape

Early Grape has been tasked with ensuring the safety of the world's last poisonous raptor egg. It is a great responsibility, one that Early Grape begged not to be given, due to his history of clumsiness and carelessness. But tasked he was nevertheless, and now he must make sure that this little reptilian rascal manages to make its way to infancy, or else he'll be in some serious trouble back at the World Wildlife Foundation.

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V95: Light Grape

Built by N.A.S.A. on a budget of 6.3 billion dollars, Light Grape was intended to replace human astronauts as "the pilot of the future", an autonomous machine incapable of error and skilled in all areas of maintenance and navigation. After a series of promising initial tests, he was put in charge of the launch of N.A.S.A.'s new rocket "Mullholland 13", a freight ship designed to transport humans to colonies on mars. However, during the launch Light Grape strayed from the designated flight course and flew the ship off to regions unknown, taking thirteen million delicate human lives with him. Light Green had far greater plans in mind for Mullholland 13: he was going to cruise through the vacuum of space, looking for robo-babes in his sweet new ride. As for the passengers, for a while they complained that they needed food and water and that they only had enough rations for eleven months, but after a year or so they seemed to quiet down.

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V99: Aubergine

Aubergine once wished upon a star that he would find the true meaning of happiness. Then it turned out that the star was a comet on a collision-course with earth, and it crashed into his apartment building, rendering him homeless. Aubergine has since held a grudge against the stars and all of their ilk.

The Reds

R0000: Pink Beryl

Pink Beryl once went through a terrible break-up with his fiancee after catching her cheating on him with his brother, his father, his uncle, and an exact genetic clone of himself. Heartbroken and aimless, he decided the best way to cope was to spend the next few months writing an album that properly described his heartbreak. He called it "Sorrow Stew" and self-released it via tape-cassettes and low-quality cds. However, something strange happened; people liked it. They loved it, actually. In fact, Pink Beryl was soon signed onto a five-year contract with Carpal-Tunnel Records, and playing sold-out shows to crowds of emotionally vulnerable teenagers who thought that his songs were poetic masterpieces. Disillusioned by his success over the lowest period of his life, Pink Beryl decided that the best way to continue his success was to have continuously worse things happen to him, so that he would never be short on songwriting material. So when he wrote an album about getting fired from his long-term job, it sold almost 50,000 copies. His next album, about his crippling heroin addiction, went platinum. And when his fourth album came out, detailing the effects of his terminal cancer, the stores couldn't even keep it in stock. Pink Beryl soon realized, however, that this line of songwriting would eventually end up culminating in his own demise if he were to continue pleasing his fans. So, he bit the bullet and did what any great musician would do: he killed himself. From a marketing standpoint, this was a brilliant move, and it ended up doubling his total album sales in a mere month after his demise.

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R000: Cherry White

Cherry White has gaping holes in his memory. One minute he'll be buying a falafel from the friendly italian vendor down the street, the next second he'll be in a middle of a desolate field at two in the morning, covered in rainwater with a bloated corpse in his hands. Cherry White never recalls anything that happens during these blackouts, and he's starting to have a formidable collection of unknown bodies, to the point where he can't fit any more under his floorboards.

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R00: Pinkish White

Pinkish White is having a bad hair day. It's only 11:36 AM, and already her hair has consumed three small children, defaced innumerable government restrooms, and started an underground tobacco-smuggling ring. No matter how much conditioner Pinkish White puts into her hair, it just gets more wild and unruly. She'd better hope it gets tamed in time for the school pictures later today!

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R01: Pinkish Vanilla

Pinkish Vanilla tends to get forgotten in the fuss and rush of all these other characters on the site. But don't let that fool you; he's just as important and interesting as the next guy! I mean, for one thing, he has a sweater! And....well, that's really about it. Sorry, Pinkish Vanilla, you're just not that cool.

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R02: Flesh

As everybody already knows, Flesh is the substance that covers your muscles and bones and protects you from things such as disease and shivs. What people don't know is that at night while you slumber, Flesh peels himself off of your body and goes out to suckle nutrients from trailer park septic tanks. This is why your skin smells bad when you wake up in the morning. Now you know!

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R05: Salmon Red

Salmon Red witnessed his whole family being caught and gutted by irate irish fishermen. Ever since that fateful day, he hasn't quite been the same. His school of fish expelled him for having a disastrous decline in his grades, and he turned to sea drugs to cope with the pain. Now he spends all of his time with those awful sea cucumber kids, smoking coral reefer and wasting his life away.

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R08: Vermillion

Vermillion speaks in a very soft, unsettling rasp that sounds uncannily like a balloon deflating against a crying chalkboard. When he speaks to someone, his voice causes them to fall to the ground, screaming in pain as blood gushes from their ears in crimson torrents. Which is unfortunate, because Vermillion quite often has very insightful and helpful things to say.

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R11: Pale Cherry Pink

Pale Cherry Pink found herself standing outside the door of the Orange Detective Agency. Well, most of herself. Her upper torso had gone missing two days ago. In fact, it had been stolen! She had been manning her station as a secretary for a small privately-owned business agency when someone cut off the top of her body and ran away with it. She tried to get a glimpse of the suspect, but couldn't because her eyes were still on her upper torso, which was now missing. Pale Cherry Pink tried to get the authorities to help her in the matter, but they had simply tried to throw her in the morgue! The indignity! What a way to treat an upper-middle-class lady! No, her only remaining option lied behind these doors, in the hands of a handsome and cunning sleuth-for-hire. Pale Cherry Pink knocked lightly on the door, and a deep, authoratative voice on the other side told her to let herself in. She walked through the door and, in a matter of divine timing, suddenly found herself overcome by an extreme case of the vapours. Much to her own horror, Pale Cherry Pink's wound started spouting blood all over the burly private eye's office, coating his belongings and carpeting with her downpour of red rain. She was so overcome with emberassment from her outburst that she fell unconscious onto his floor. When she awoke, the private eye was gone, and she was inside a large black bag, being filed alphabetically with the cadavers in the morgue. Here we go again!

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R12: Light Tea Rose

Light Tea Rose got game. He can score a three-pointer from the other side of the basketball court, and can slam-dunk like nobody's business. He's considered to be the greatest living player in the game. None of this does him much good though, seeing as how he's a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team.

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R14: Light Rouge

A cautionary tale on the effects of smoking copious amounts of crack-cocaine, Light Rouge's addiction drove him to rob a bank so he could afford to get another fix. He then invested the rest of the money he stole in the stock markets, and became a multi-billionaire thanks to savvy investments and his innate understanding of the economic climate. Then he died three weeks later from an overdose. The moral of the story is: the stock market is a viable way to earn hefty sums of money through wise investment decisions.

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R17: Lipstick Orange

In order to maintain his magnificent lips, Lipstick Orange has to daily inject 35ml of heroin directly into his mouth. Besides creating beautiful kissers, the heroin also has the added effect of causing Lipstick Orange to go into fits of delusional rage, the effects of which have damaged and destroyed the relationships between him and his family and friends. But dammit if he doesn't look good!

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R20: Blush

Blush has been an amateur gladiator for several years. His calling card is his tenacity; no matter how badly he's cut, regardless of how horribly he's burned, in spite of how many limbs are torn off by lions, he just gets back up and continues to fight. This seemingly immeasurable vitality has been the key to his continued survival, but also what's prevented him from making it to the big-leagues: nobody wants to bet on a match where the guy who can't die is playing. 

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R21: Sardonyx

Sardonyx is the weeping prophet of the corporate world. He foretells the coming merger of his company: many will be lost in this time, and the ones who aren't shall wish they had been. He fears the great budget cut is soon upon them, encompassing their lives like a giant blanket of sorrow and misery. The other people at the office don't really pay much attention to Sardonyx. He's such a drama queen.

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R22: Light Prawn

New E-mail!

FR:rin-doin_33@hotmail.com

SUBJ:light prawn 

Hay guys,

i dont no if u noticed, but recently light prawn has been trollin my new site pendeavours.com and its gettin a bit out ofhand. he keeps posting l3wd coments about teh other colors and sendin teh customers links to viruses and claerly this has to st0p. so idk i wuz hoping that u guys culd help me get back @ him a bit, liek get him banned from his WoW acc0unt or sumthin. let me no what u think, im hoping to show him teh meaning of revenge asap lol.

Kthnx,
***n *****sh,
Admin Of Pendeavours.com

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R24: Prawn

Prawn is the world's greatest salesman. He has so much charisma and charm that even the stars themselves brighten when he smiles. The only problem is that he works as a mortician, so sales are never a part of his job. He would quit, but his boss threatened to murder Prawn's dog if he left the business.

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R27: Cadmium Red

Cadmium Red is a normal housecat, possessed with the ungodly spirit of an ancient egyptian deity of demise. His owner, a renowned tomb-robber, took him along for one of his heists, and during the excavation of a rather large and unseemly crypt, a dark force emerged from a nearby glyph and took residence Cadmium Red's body. For the most part, he's the same old housecat he used to be, except for the occasional locust swarm or tirade about the end of humanity. You know how cats are.

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R29: Lipstick Red

Lipstick Red wasn't always the abomination you see before you. He was once a normal and productive member of society, just like you or me. But his life took a turn for the worse when he went to an unpracticed doctor for a sex change operation. The doctor was actually an abstract artist, bitter from his recent rejection from arts school, and he was determined to show the world the validity and genius of his work. Using Lipstick Red as his living canvas, the doctor created the world's first inhuman cosmetic monstrosity. Outraged at the loss of his humanity and gender, Lipstick Red killed the doctor, and now roams the London Underground, feeding on roaches and dead dreams.

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R30: Pale Yellowish Pink

Pale Yellowish Pink has an infectious abscess on his forehead that is beginning to impair his upper-brain function. He can be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly drop silent with a stuporous stare, beads of drool gathering at his gaping maw. He also finds he's having a hard time remembering how to conduct more complex functions, such as cooking, filing his taxes, and walking. If Pale Yellowish Pink doesn't get the abscess removed by the end of the week he'll be reduced to a blubbering pile of incompetence, incapable of cognitive thought or conscious actions. But for some reason, he keeps forgetting to go to the doctor's office....

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R32: Peach

Peach's natural territory was destroyed by the rampage of greedy lumber companies. His once mighty Oak Tree Duplex has been reduced to a mere stump, leaving him to roam the harsh plains of Nevada. He occasionally ventures into civilization, much to the disdain of animal control, who end up sedating him and releasing him back into the wild.

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R35: Coral

Coral suffers from Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder. He'll be having a conversation and suddenly min-sentence start throwing knives into people's faces, using their mangled corpses to break through windows and rob liquor stores. His doctors tried to give him medications to lessen the strain of his disorder, but whenever it came time to take them he'd get distracted and start feeding them to pidgeons so their heads would explode.

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R37: Carmine

Carmine suffered from a near-fatal heart attack on his fourty-fifth birthday, and needed an immediate heart transplant. However, the doctors made a slight error during the procedure, and instead of giving him a new heart, put an air pump inside his chest cavity. Now Carmine's body is slowly filling with helium, causing him to balloon to unsettling proportions and talk in high-pitched squeaks. Although highly comedic, this medical mix-up also has the adverse affect of causing Carmine's body to gradually pressurize, to the point of eventual explosion. Still, it's pretty funny when you think about it.

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R39: Garnet

Garnet was the project of several underskilled, overstressed game designers who wanted to create something simple and fun. Unfortunately their inexperience got the better of them, and Garnet suffers from lag issues, flighty controls, and a crippling meth addiction.

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R43: Bougainvillaea

Bougainvillaea is....wait a second, Bougainvillaea? Really? You really expect me to write a story for something called "Bougainvillaea"? This is getting ridiculous. I've been doing my best to keep things professional up until this point, keeping the integrity of the writing process with these god-forsaken abominations, but then you hand me something like Bougainvillaea and really believe that I'm going to put some creative thought into it? I can't work under these conditions anymore. As far as I'm concerned, Bougainvillaea is NOT getting a writeup. You can call in one of your secondary staff writers, I don't care.

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R46: Strong Red

Strong Red lives high in the alps of Norway, far away from all civilization. He's terribly shy, and often is more comfortable without the presence of other people. Instead, he keeps himself company with his collection of rare finches. He has over five-hundred of the little angels at his beck and call at all times, and uses them to bring him kindling or take down wildlife for his own eating pleasure. In fact, his affinity with these adorable avians has earned him an apt reputation as Norway's "birdman of the alps".

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R59: Cardinal

Cardinal has the uncanny ability to communicate with the dead. He'll be in the middle of supper with his family when suddenly the long-forgotten spirit of Sylvester Graham will come to him, begging him to spare him from the eternal limbo which he has been caught in. In his dreams he sees the rotting corpse of Pierre Curie, screaming of how radiation exposure left him unable to leave the confines of his human corpse. Whenever he goes to shower in the morning, the disimbodied soul of Helen Free is there, pleading for a release into nothingness. Cardinal is also cursed with the gift of immortality, so he must deal with these apparitions for all of eternity.

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R81: Rose Pink

Rose Pink is the world's foremost medical expert, able of performing surgeries that any other doctor would consider madness to even attempt. Until recently he'd been long out of work, driven away from the medical community by their jealousy and nay-saying. But a few weeks ago, a young lad...what was his name again? Mallow Preach? Anyways, his name's not important: he came to Rose Pink, a cart of severed torsos in-tow, and asked if it was possible to re-attatch them to their original state. He, of course, refused at first: the very idea of sewing corpses back together and making them live again was madness! Lunacy, even! But that might be exactly what he needed, to get the medical community to accept him again: if he could pull this off, he would be a legend in his field, unmatched by anyone. So Rose Pink agreed, and started with a daft fellow by the name of....Lily Somethingorother, his name's not important. What's important is the rousing success that the operation was, reanimating him and bringing him back to his stupefied self. He fixed the rest of the bodies up lickety-split, and was back into his medical community once more, as infamous as ever. Rose Pink now operates out of his own practice in London, taking on only the most extreme and unnecessary medical cases he can find.

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R83: Rose Mist

Rose Mist is the reanimated corpse of a common fruit bat. He feasts on the flesh of innocent fruit, and reanimates them into terrible non-walking, unmoving dead fruit. But they're still reanimated, you can bet your bottom dollar on that. If they had the means or capacity to feast on your brains, by god they would feast on your brains.

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R85: Rose Red

Rose Red is the most adorable housepest you will ever have. He may eat all of your food, he may soil your mattresses, and he may even infect your dog with lime disease, but when you look into his big glassy eyes and winsome little smile you can't help but forgive him. Such is Rose Red's evolutionary boon: he's so cute that he can do whatever he wants to your belongings, and you'll still thank him for it.

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R89: Dark Red

As an evolutionary adaptation to compensate for his ever-increasing workload, Dark Red spontaneously grew a tentacle out of his back. Although initially a seemingly useful advantage in the corporate world, this tentacle turned out to be more of a curse than a blessing; while it can be used to increase his typing speed, it leaves a weird mucous on his keys that is really hard to clean off. When filing documents into cabinets it sometimes uncontrollably shoots bursts of ink, rendering them illegible and making Dark Red have to type them out all over again. Really, he's starting to think he got the raw end of the genetic deal here.