YR0000: Pale Chiffon
Pale Chiffon was born from a cloudling as an angel of whimsical fancy. His task in life was to bring joy to people's hearts, and to make them feel as if life was something worth living again. However, he got distracted somewhere along the way and ended up deciding to just terrorize the elderly with his fanciful antics. He's the bane of all residents of the Oakland Seniors Home, and is often referred to in hushed tones as "The Barking Terror".
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YR000: Silk
Silk walked briskly down the dark streets of New York, parcel in hand. Alarmed by a noise from a nearby alleyway, he picked up his pace; the last thing he wanted right now was to confront anybody. Not with what he was carrying. And if the police happened to get involved, he could just kiss the rest of his life goodbye. They didn't tolerate the kind of thing that Silk was involved with. Cautiously making sure that nobody was watching, he cracked the lid open and peeked into the box. Yes, it was still there. The beautiful upper-torso he'd bought from that shady merchant downtown. It would go wonderfully with his collection. He had dozens more in his house, dressed in all manner of fanciful attire, strung up in a variety of delightful poses. Silk often fantasized about putting on a broadway musical with his collection, a play to thrill and entertain people of all ages. But he knew the world wasn't ready for that yet. There was still the negative stigma attached to severed limbs. Nobody could see the beauty in it the way he did. Another noise came from around the corner, and Silk decided that the time for gawking was over, and quickened his pace yet again.
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YR00: Powder Pink
When prepared with the proper sauce and seasonings, Powder Pink makes a delicious delicacy. However, improper preperation of this delicate dish can result in the release of Powder Pink's poison glands, which when consumed by humans causes severe internal hemorrhaging of all major organs, blindness, hair-loss, digit deterioration, bone collapsation, and skull explosion. On an unrelated note, McDonald's is premiering their new Powder Pink burger next week. Don't forget to super-size it!
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YR01: Peach Puff
Peach Puff is host of the beloved mexican television program, "!Seniorita Dias Du Taco!". In this show, contestants are asked to compete in such wild and wacky challenges as tongue-kissing a poisonous scorpion, eating a three-month old taco, and/or balancing one-hundred sombreros on their head simultaneously for over two minutes. The prize? A free pass through the United States border, making this the most popular and well-watched gameshow in Mexico. Sometimes, Peach Puff feels remorse for the poor people competing in his show, humiliating themselves in front of millions of viewers just for the chance at a better life in the land of opportunity. But then the producers show up with his weekly three-thousand dollar cheque, and the remorse flies right out the window.
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YR02: Light Orange
Light Orange is the only organism on the planet who became so thin that he actually has a negative mass. He weighs -2.38 pounds and has a gravitational pull strong enough to draw metal to him from across the room. This has naturally made his job at the pewter factory far more difficult than it should be, and he often spends the majority of his work breaks prying candleholders from his body.
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YR04: Chrome Orange
Chrome Orange was assembled in a basement from spare parts valued at approximately $12.63. He is fully qualified in customer service and works as a doorstop at a local tannery.
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YR07: Cadmium Orange
Cadmium Orange is personally responsible for the spreading and subsequent outbreak of malaria in North America. He was hired by the Board of Pestilence, by a particularly slimy and greedy pair of houseflies, and promised that he would be greatly reimbursed for his troubles. So off went Cadmium Orange, to spread pestilence among the masses. It was nothing he hadn't done before: he'd been giving flus to kids for years, and even broke an old lady out in an allergic reaction from time to time, but nothing serious. Nothing like what happened this time. Cadmium Orange didn't know the true scope of his work: thousands dead, thousands more dying by the day, people rotting in the streets, families torn apart. He sleeps with this guilt every night of his life, and when he closes his compound eyes he sees the piles of bodies of people who died from his doing.
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YR09: Chinese Orange
Chinese Orange's day started like any other. It was a normal day at the Orange Detective Agency. He was sitting at his desk, smoking a cigarette, wearing his cap tilted over his right eye for that extra hard-boiled effect. Then a dame came knocking at his door. He could tell when it was a dame that was knocking. They had a certain lightness to their hand; if it were a big lug he'd just pound the door down, but not a dame. A dame just knocks lightly, two taps barely distinguishable to the ear. Chinese Orange had heard this particular knock many times before. He told her to let herself in, and in walked a tall pair of legs with a dark satin miniskirt attatched to it. Literally. That's all that walked in. The top of the skirt was shooting blood all over Chinese Orange's prized revolver collection, and the whole pile of lower torso collapsed onto the floor, pooling in it's own red juices. Chinese Orange got out from behind his desk to inspect the body. A clean cut. Yes, the top half of the torso had definitely been severed...but the question is by who? And where was the top half now? Chinese Orange pulled out a flask of whiskey from his back pocket and imbibed heavily from it. It was going to be a long day.
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YR12: Loquat
Loquat recently himself a new pair of glasses, and is not happy with the vision and clarity that they have brought him; all the people who he once thought beautiful are now ugly, and all the paintings he once thought stately and noble are now sloppy and slipshod. The majesty of nature has been revealed as a cesspool of filth and grunge. Truly, Loquat's rose-colored glasses of poor vision are now gone, replaced with real, prescription lenses that let him see the world for the terrible place it truly is. But at least he can legally drive now.
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YR14: Caramel
Extensive studies on Caramel's body have revealed that his blood has highly hallucinogenic and addictive qualities. He is currently being held in a labratory in Vancouver, where scientists are draining him of fluid on an hourly basis and using it as a gloss on children's candy, helping to create a young new generation of drug-hungry crack addicts.
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YR15: Pumpkin Yellow
Pumpkin Yellow fancies himself an expert prankster. He once dumped a bucket of water on the Duke of Edinburgh during an international press conference. Rumour tells that he slipped a whoopee-cushion on the chair of Charles, Prince of Wales. In certain circles it is even said that he had the audacity to give a wedgie to the honourable Queen Elizabeth II. His assaults on the royalty of the United Nations has attracted the attention of the secret service, who have devoted all of their time and effort to apprehending this vile Pumpkin Yellow and seeing that his tomfoolery never threatens the monarchy again.
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YR16: Apricot
Be on the lookout for a small, wiry-looking individual roaming the streets tonight. It could very well be Apricot, who just five hours ago managed to escape from the Brighton Institute For The Mentally Unhinged. So lock all your doors, bar all your windows, and turn off all the lights, because otherwise you might not wake up tonight. Apricot is considered highly unusual and should be avoided at all costs.
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YR18: Sanguine
Due to a voodoo curse placed on him by his mother at a young age, the binds of death have no holds on Sanguine. Although he died on October 22, 1935, Sanguine has still spent the last 75 years working as an accountant at a successful stock firm, although his flesh is beginning to decay at an alarming rate. This naturally has caused somewhat of a decrease in company morale, especially since last week his left leg was found sitting in the coffee pot in the employee lounge. The C.E.O. fears he might have to let Sanguine go soon.
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YR20: Yellowish Shade
Nobody knows exactly how Yellowish Shade got a military tank adjoined to his lower-torso, but he's the one with the firepower, so he's the one asking the questions around here. In fact, it seems that the power may have gone to his head; he's terrorizing his entire neighbourhood with firebombs and stray mortar shells, and he's even tearing up old Miss Cumber's lawn with his treads because she confiscated his baseball from him when he was five years old. Yellowish Shade can keep a mean grudge.
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YR21: Cream
Cream once clobbered a herd of wild boars with his bare fists, only to find out it was a drug-induced hallucination and that he'd actually snapped the necks of the entire United States congress. He's currently serving 2 years in prison, with only a somewhat decent chance of getting parole.
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YR23: Yellow Ochre
Up until recently, Yellow Ochre's favorite pastime was building model trains. But ever since one of his model trains gained sentience and had an affair with his wife, he's been unable to trust them again, and Yellow Ochre has abandoned his hobby, and his spouse, in disgust.
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YR24: Pale Sepia
Pale Sepia is a notorious serial killer who disguises himself as a household plant in order to gain access to his victims' homes. He then spends days remaining completely motionless, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. The police force have been attempting to track this deranged murderer down, but have yet to come up with any clues, although the chief of police's office does have a strange new plant in the corner....
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YR31: Light Reddish Yellow
Light Reddish Yellow is the little brother of the legendary Kraken, terror of the high-seas. His brother has been responsible for countless shipwrecks, innumerable deaths, and untold destruction. Light Reddish Yellow tries to get Kraken to calm down a bit, and maybe vent his anger in a more constructive manner such as painting his emotions, but he just doesn't listen. Sometimes Light Reddish Yellow hates being the little brother.
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YR61: Yellowish Skin Pink
Grab your torch and pitchfork, we're finally gonna drive that freak Yellowish Skin Pink outta town! We've had enough of his strange foreign ways and "moral standards"! This town was founded by british pirates three hundred years ago, and we've stayed true to our roots ever since. But then Yellowish Skin Pink had to come into town and be all like "you can't gut your neighbours", and "stealing is wrong", and even "shooting your children as a form of discipline is unacceptable". Well, we'll see how his moral standards hold up when we make him walk the plank! His kind is no longer welcome here!
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YR65: Atoll
Atoll is principal of an all-girl catholic school in the greater Oakland area, "Saint Rendilda's Institution For Conservative Females". Her particular brand of no-nonsense religious ardor combined with her finesse with beating sticks make her a feared and respected authoritarian. The timid schoolgirls, in their free time away from her tyrannical clutches, often refer to her in hushed tones as "Old Saint Ironheart".
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YR68: Orange
Orange is a firm believer in t.v. evangelism. Every morning he turns his t.v. to "Reverend Maltwin's Hour Of Non-Specific Religious Power" and basks in the warming glow of vague, indecisive religious context that may or may not apply to everyday life. To Orange it's like chicken soup for the entity that may or may not be referred to as a soul depending on your beliefs and upbringing.
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YR82: Mellow Peach
The things that Mellow Peach has seen in the past week could turn a grown man to jelly. He's had to do things so spine-tinglingly morbid that a man of lesser psychological strength would have been permanently scarred. But it wasn't always this way: a week ago, Mellow Peach was just another rookie gumshoe, working a dead-end job and the NYPD with nothing to do but twiddle his thumbs all day. All that changed when the department put him in charge of the infamous "Torso Thief" case. No detective had ever been able to find the perpetrator; lord knows that drunken lunatic Chinese Orange never found the answers at the bottom of his whiskey flask, and the department clearly didn't have much hope of solving it if they were putting someone so wet behind the ears in charge. Nevertheless, Mellow Peach remained diligent in his duty, eager to prove himself to the eggheads down in criminology. He worked the streets for three days, spending hours interviewing witnesses, searching for clues, trying to find ANYTHING that would give him a lead...but there was nothing. Everyone he asked didn't know squat, all his clues lead to dead-ends, and he was running out of cigarettes quicker than a french executive. For a while, it seemed hopeless. However, on the last night of working his beat, he saw a fat, peculiar little man carrying a heavy box down the dark streets; he seemed spooked by something, and kept looking over his shoulder to see if he was being followed. So Mellow Peach figured he'd tail this shady figure, see where it led him. He managed to follow the pudgy suspect to his apartment complex, and snuck in undetected. After a bit of searching, he managed to find the man's room, and using his lock-picking skills that he learned from the streets of Brooklyn, broke his way in. What he saw next was more horrific than he could ever have imagined: human torsos, everywhere he could see, strung up against the walls dressed in flimsy lingerie and lit only by the fluttering glow of a few scattered, dim candles. And suddenly, there he was, in the middle of the room: the perp, dressed in some sort of masquerade getup, holding a still-writhing torso in his arms. Mellow Peach pulled his pistol out of its holster and pointed it squarely at this freak, warning him not to make a single move. The deranged psychopath then started going on about how he had a greater vision than the rest of humanity, that he was on the verge of something fantastic that people just weren't ready to comprehend. He spoke of a great theatrical play, one where the entire cast were torsos, so everyone could appreciate their beauty and majesty forever. Mellow Peach tried to talk some sense into the perp, but he wouldn't listen, and lunged violently towards him. Mellow Peach had no choice but to shoot in self-defense, and the obese operatic dropped to the ground in a pool of his own blood. The case, it seemed was over. The following few days would yield a few pleasant surprises: the gal who's torso the fat fool had most recently kidnapped managed to get herself back-together again, and came in to personally thank Mellow Peach for a job well done. The perpetrator, Mr. Fat Bastard himself, managed to survive the incident, and is being held in maximum security prison until he can get a court hearing. What he had to say, however, was not what the department was hoping for: he wasn't supplying himself with his own torsos....in fact, he'd been getting them off of the black market, from a shady vendor whose true identity has never been discovered. This scandal goes much deeper than anyone on the force could have dreamed of; luckily, with his promotion to Chief Detective of the NYPD, Mellow Peach is confident that he can crack the case.
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