Wednesday 11 July 2012

The Yellows

Y0000: Yellow Fluorite
Yellow Fluorite was assembled from magical relics by a Russian Czar in an attempt to build himself a son, to replace the one he lost in battle years before. However, after spending some time with him, the Czar realized that he and his new son had little in common: Yellow Fluorite wouldn't torture any prisoners with his old man, and the Czar really didn't understand his new son's love of the theatre. Enraged by the monster he had created, the Czar cast Yellow Fluorite out of his kingdom, and the bastard son went on to pursue his dreams and star in a broadway musical.

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Y000: Pale Lemon
Pale Lemon, a reptilian creature currently residing in southern Romania, has a habit of stealing pies from windowsills. He uses them to line his den, which gives him warmth, nourishment, and smells of fragrant boysenberry and rhubarb. Romanian housewives have a fit when they catch Pale Lemon on their property, and he often receives the beating-end of a broomstick when they get within reach. But still, he's become somewhat of a mascot for the community, and despite being an annoying thief is somewhat beloved by all.

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Y00: Barium Yellow
Barium Yellow is currently undergoing vigorous and extensive plastic surgery to make himself look exactly like Steve Urkel. He spent the majority of his childhood glued to his television, watching Family Matters for hours and hours, utterly enthralled by the hilarious antics of Urkel and his neighbors. While his own family would fight around him, his father screaming at the rest of the family in his drunken rages, Barium Yellow would watch the television and imagine himself as Urkel, pretending that the Winslows were his loving surrogate family. This coping mechanism followed him into adulthood, where he eventually decided that the only way he could be happy with his life is if he transformed himself into his idol. The procedure, when all is said and done, will cost him upwards of two-hundred thousand dollars, and is being called "disturbing" by the scientific community.

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Y02: Canary Yellow
Canary Yellow is a connoisseur of "fringe cinema". French ultraviolence, silent dutch slashers, satanic turkish comedies, or scandinavian dog dramas, it matters not; he loves all films that are too violent or obtuse to reach major distribution, and can appreciate their merits on a level most people can not. In fact, his tastes are so extreme that they're "too fringe for the fringe", and he's been expelled from the Pennsylvania Fringe Cinema Club for repeatedly trying to organize a group viewing of "Sjaanglegir Ofbeldi Kvikmyn 3: Return of the Ofbeldi".

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Y04: Acacia
Acacia has been right-handed his whole life, but his right hand was not content with mere dominance over the left. No, its ambitions rose much higher than that: it wanted full control over all aspects of Acacia, to challenge him for ownership of his whole body. For years it laid dormant, content to let him become complacent and dependent on his right-handedness, lying in wait for the time to strike. Then , seemingly tired of hiding in wait, the hand struck out against Acacia while he was driving down a stretch of highway, swerving his car into a ditch. Acacia managed to make it out unharmed, but the hand had made its intentions known and was not about to give up on its task. It has become violent and agitated, and Acacia is now desperately struggling for to control his hand before it controls him.

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Y06: Yellow
A microscopic organism that feeds on brain cells and gains control of its living human hosts, Yellow is currently residing inside the cranium of a small, 10 year old boy named Willy. Willy will later grow up to become the president of the free world, and Yellow will use this power to wreak bloody vengeance on this planet of filthy humanoids. The streets will run red with our pitiful blood, and the day of man shall come to a quick and painful close. But that's a bit further down the line; right now, Willy and Yellow have an upcoming geometry test to worry about. Willy's geometry teacher is such a harpy.

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Y08: Acid Yellow
In a small colonial village in northern Romania, fretful mothers warn their children not to cross the Goat's-Beard Bridge after nightfall. They say that Acid Yellow lurks underneath those moss-coated cobblestones, waiting for children to cross. As they pass by, he grabs them and pulls them down into the stream, swallowing them whole like a tender buttered biscuit. At least once a year in this village a child goes missing, and the village mourns as Acid Yellow has his feast.

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Y11: Pale Yellow
Pale Yellow can breathe fire. He can fly. He can slay entire nighthoods, defeat the greatest of sorcerers, and reign triumphant over the burning rubble of once-glorious kingdoms. But the one thing Pale Yellow cannot do is the one thing he wants to do most: dance. To spin gracefully into a full-body pirouette, to lunge through the air in a leotard, to win the hearts of the arts themselves, to LIVE, dammit! He would give up his entire collection of warrior skulls if he could just spend one day as a dancer.

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Y13: Lemon Yellow
Lemon Yellow has a gift for hiding in trees and dropping from the branches to scare people as they pass by. Well, okay, that may not necessarily be a gift, but it's all he's got. Cut him some slack, he flunked out of grammar school for god's sake. Even Bumblehead Billy managed to pass grammar school, but apparently the dwindling mental capabilities of a literal drooling idiot are greater than those of Lemon Yellow's frail mind. So the next time he falls from a tree branch to startle you, treat him with some compassion; he needs whatever he can get.

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Y15: Cadmium Yellow
After a particularly ludicrous night of drunken revelry with his chums, Cadmium Yellow awoke to discover that his body was missing, and that his head had been skewered onto a pike which was attached to a small wagon. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember the events of the night well enough to figure out how he had gotten himself in this predicament. Still, he's had crazier nights, like the one time he woke up in a rowboat filled with bodies that was laid out in the middle of a stretch of highway in Arkansas. Man, what a party that was.

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Y17: Golden Yellow
After spending years as a much-abused puppet in the children's entertainment program, "Marionette Massacre", Golden Yellow developed a severe disdain for all young people. The producers would light him on fire, throw knives at him, and force him to eat raw meat, all for the sick entertainment of a bunch of little bastards. The trauma he endured was irreversible, and a decade of therapy has only barely begun to scratch the surface of understanding the depth of his depression. Bitter towards the monsters that caused him so much pain, he now spends his free time wandering through public parks, popping kid's balloons and kicking sand in their faces.

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Y18: Lightning Yellow
Lightning Yellow is fascinated by all assortments of nicknacks and doodads. He spent the summers of his youth immersed in the world of chinese finger-traps and pogs, and has recently become enamoured with a brilliant invention called the "yo-yo". Truly, mankind has outdone itself on this one. 

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Y19: Napoli Yellow
Napoli Yellow is a notorious cyber-terrorist, best known for his "{RiNsEbAtH vIrUs/}" which embeds itself into social-networking websites and, when executed, causes the user's computer to gain sentience and turn to armed robbery. He is currently working on a virus so potent, so terrible that when it is executed it will be the end of civilization as we know it. So far, it's working name is {ThE mInT tEa ViRuS//}.

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Y21: Buttercup Yellow
Buttercup Yellow spends his days moitionless along the vast Sahara plains. He sits along the sand, always waiting for the bi-monthly rainfall to provide him with the nutrients required for his survival. People tend to view him as boring, or a wet blanket, but Buttercup Yellow is far from that! He's an excellent source of shade, and  makes a conveniently tasteful coatrack! He's also a great listener, and is always easy to find when you need a shoulder to cry on. 

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Y23: Yellowish Beige
Back in the 1700s, Yellowish Beige was the organ player for a prestigious and well-funded church. His merry tunes were they joy of the congregation, and many non-christians or excommunicated individuals would gather outside the church doors to hear his skillful playing. However, one day while performing a riveting round of a now-forgotten hymn, his fingers slipped across the organ and he played a horrific, ugly sound. The audience fell silent, too horrified to act, paralyzed by what they had just heard. Yellowish Beige was seized by the clergy, accused of performing "Diabolus In Musica", a forbidden combination of notes that was thought to summon evil. He was thrown from the church and banned from ever playing the organ again, left to wander with the peasantry in the mud until the end of his days.
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 Y26: Mustard
Mustard came back from the Crimean War as a shell of the man he once was. He saw things that he can never forget, things that will forever be burned into his mind, tormenting him every waking moment of his life. His guilt and sorrow have made him unable to sleep, unable to eat, unable to live like a normal human being. The cold finger of death is permanently perched upon his shoulder, burrowing into his flesh and draining him of all life. He is currently the regional sub-manager of the Ohio Wal-Mart.

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Y28: Lionet Gold
Lionet Gold is the most statistically useless creature of all time. He contributes nothing to society, and has poor mental and physical speed. He's not even strong or burly enough to make up for his bumbling tomfoolery; anything larger than a butterfly can tip him with the slightest touch. He's an easy target for predators, and yet they ignore him due to his foul odour and poor meat-to-bone ratio. Some people wonder why Lionet Gold was even put on this earth, because whatever function he has is completely indecipherable to our mortal eyes.

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Y32: Cashmere
Cashmere is the umpire for the New York Yankees. He has no training and they don't pay him, but he shows up in uniform for every game, and everybody's kind of afraid to tell him to leave, so they just roll with it.

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Y35: Maize
Maize is part of a covert NASA operation that plans to mine the moon of all useable materials and sell them off to international traders. He's spent the last three months in a base camp on the moon's surface, supervising the drilling and explosives teams to measure their efficiency. Recently, however, things have been getting a little strange: mining equipment is malfunctioning for no apparent reason, supplies have started mysteriously disappearing, and food has been spoiling at an unnatural rate. The normally docile and affable crew have started to quarrel, sometimes even going as far as breaking out into fistfights. And at night, if you listen hard into the cold vacuum of the moon, one can hear the mysterious whispers of the wind, ominous in their implications. Maize attributes this to poor work ethic, and demands that everybody get back to work immediately.

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Y38: Honey
Winner of the Ford™ "Win a Ford™ Sweepstakes", Honey was rewarded with a brand new Ford™ Fiesta™. After spending merely a day driving it, Honey now realizes that no car has the superior handling, incredible mileage, and exquisite interior of a Ford™ vehicle. He now encourages all his friends to purchase Ford™ vehicles and has a newfound lifelong devotion to Ford™ vehicles. (This message was paid in part by the Ford™ Advertising Company™).


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